While making my New Year’s Resolutions – which I most likely won’t keep – I ran across an article written by some happy, feel-good doctor that said we shouldn’t make resolutions. Instead, Dr. Feelgood said we should focus on our accomplishments from the previous year.
So I sat and thought. And I thought. And I thought. And I finally came up with a list of five accomplishments. Originally I had six, but frankly, managing to match my clothing nearly every day seemed like a pretty lame one – even if it was a big accomplishment for me.
1. In May 2004 for 3 weeks, 2 days, 5 hours, 42 minutes and 29 seconds I fit into my skinny jeans. And not only did they fit, I got them zipped up and was still able to breathe, sit, bend and run while wearing them.
Okay, I didn’t actually run. I haven’t run anywhere voluntarily since the fourth grade in Mrs. Connelly’s class at Our Lady of Victory School when I was accidentally caught in the crossfire of a vicious dodgeball game.
But I’m telling you, if I had wanted to, I could have run in those pants. It was wonderful. Of course, after that glorious 3 weeks, 2 days, 5 hours, 42 minutes and 29 seconds in May, the pants mysteriously shrank in the wash and haven’t fit since. As a matter of fact, they get smaller each time I try them on. I can only assume that there is a group of skinny-jean-shrinking gremlins living in my closet. What other explanation could there be?
2. On June 23, 2004 from 1:38pm until 2:45pm, every hamper in the house was completely devoid of dirty laundry. That’s right. Completely devoid. Empty. All the laundry had been washed, dried and put away. There wasn’t even a mismatched sock lying forlornly in the bottom of any of my hampers.
If you don’t believe me, I have proof. I took pictures of the wondrous event and had them professionally framed. I thought about sending them out with my Christmas cards, but you know, that kind of bragging just isn’t nice.
Okay, the truth is, I never actually got around to sending Christmas cards this year. And to be honest, I would have put the pictures in the cards. Along with a snapshot of me in my skinny jeans. Hey, if I’m going to brag, I’m going to brag about everything.
3. For the entire month of February 2004, Junior cleaned his room and made his bed every morning. Okay, technically, this isn’t my accomplishment – and technically February is the shortest month of the year – but since I’ve spent years begging, bribing and threatening to get my child to clean his room, I think it counts as my accomplishment, don’t you?
4. On Nov. 11, 2004 I not only cleaned out my purse, I shredded all the receipts that had been sitting in it since I purchased it. Naturally, the day after I did that, my clean purse and I tried to return a mismatched throw pillow at Target, only to find that I had shredded the receipt the day before. Which just goes to show that cleanliness really is its own – and only – reward.
5. On Sept. 28, 2004, I gave the dog a bath. Hey, if this isn’t an accomplishment, you don’t know my dog. She’s small and old and normally hangs out in the kitchen in the vain hope that Junior will drop food. And the second she smells that potent mixture of bathwater and dog shampoo she’s gone. I don’t know where she goes, but I do know that on Sept. 28, I managed to grab her before she smelled the shampoo and gave her a good scrubbing.
Of course, the minute she was fluffy and dry and smelled like strawberries, she ran into the backyard, jumped over the two-foot high fence that is supposed to keep her out of the vegetable garden and rolled in the dirt. And of course, that dirt had been mixed with some extremely potent chicken manure. But even though my dog smelled worse after her bath, I count it as an accomplishment. After all, I got her into the water, didn’t I?
So there you have them, my 2004 accomplishments. I can only hope that in 2005, I can do something really great – like make an entire dinner without burning it. On the other hand, that sounds suspiciously like a resolution – and I’m only making accomplishments now.