Lots of days to celebrate

Shockingly, I missed National Gumdrop Day. What? You’ve never
heard of National Gumdrop Day? Please.
If you haven’t heard of National Gumdrop Day, you must be a
member of one of those low-carb, anti-sugar groups taking over
America
– or perhaps you’re a dentist.
Shockingly, I missed National Gumdrop Day. What? You’ve never heard of National Gumdrop Day? Please.

If you haven’t heard of National Gumdrop Day, you must be a member of one of those low-carb, anti-sugar groups taking over America – or perhaps you’re a dentist.

But just what were you doing on Feb. 15, when National Gumdrop Day celebrations were going on all around you? Didn’t you notice the parades of dancing gumdrops? Or the fact that nobody went to work or school and instead stayed home eating gumdrops all day long? Did you miss that spellbinding TV special “Ooey-Gooey Gumdrops – the Amazing True Story of One Gumdrop’s Journey From Factory to Stomach?”

Okay, I can’t be that hard on you. After all, I am shattered that I too missed National Gumdrop Day. I think it’s because it occurs the day after Valentine’s Day – which in our house is known as Give All Your Chocolate to Mom and Nobody Gets Hurt Day.

But this just can’t keep happening. I mean, if I missed National Gumdrop Day, who knows what other holidays I might accidentally sleep through? What would happen if I missed National Tap Dance Day (May 25)? Or National Cream-filled Doughnut Day (Sept. 14)?

We are talking about national holidays here, people. It’s our duty as citizens to honor all of them. We can’t just sit idly by while others observe National Moldy Cheese Day (Oct. 9). So to help you, here is a handy guide to the remaining holidays for 2005.

March is a busy holiday month. Besides Easter – a major holiday no matter what month it’s in – there’s St. Patrick’s Day. But all that wearing green and shamrock eating really takes a backseat to the main event – National Goof Off Day (March 22). On this day, people from coast to coast will be calling in sick to work and school. The beaches and malls will be filled with celebrants in jester hats, all goofing off.

Now in April, of course there is April Fool’s Day. But how many of us really observe that? I mean, April is really all about National Cheeseball Day (April 17). This day is filled with exciting events like cheeseball eating contests and, naturally, cheeseball cook-offs.

Please don’t miss National Take Your Pants for A Walk Day (July 27).

I know this is a much-maligned and much misunderstood holiday. For one thing, who wants to take their pants outdoors in the middle of summer? But we owe it to our trousers to break them out and take them for a walk – in fact, many cities around the country sponsor pant walk-a-thons.

And I just want to make one thing perfectly clear – during last year’s celebration, I noticed several people walking their shorts. These don’t count. National Take Your PANTS for A Walk Day is clearly all about long trousers. Not cropped pants. Not shorts. Not Capri’s or even skorts. We must keep this holiday pure and honor its original spirit. So on July 27, I expect to see all of you out there, walking your pants. Leashes are optional.

Of course, what would the holidays be in November if you didn’t eat? Oh sure, there’s Thanksgiving and all that turkey and pumpkin pie nonsense. But the best eating day in November is absolutely National Pizza-with-the-Works-Except-Anchovies Day (Nov. 12). Please. Turkey cannot compare to a large combination pizza.

Now, I have to say a few words about National Flashlight Day (Dec. 21). Several of you – and you know who you are – have been trying to turn this day into National Flash Day.

This holiday is not about raincoats and weird men in Central Park. Instead this is a night for celebrating the wonderful flashlight. When the sun goes down, the flashlight tag begins. It’s a magical evening.

So there you have them. A few of the major holidays for 2005. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go practice for National Juggling Day (June 13). During last year’s street faire, I had a horrifying accident with the extra-sharp Ginsu knives I was attempting to juggle. But don’t worry – they were able to reattach Harry’s toes so it wasn’t that big of a deal. And I think it was his fault anyway – I mean, who stands that close to a woman juggling knives?

It doesn’t matter, though. For this year’s Juggler’s Faire, I plan to juggle bowling balls. Or maybe gumdrops. After all, there were a lot leftover from the National Gumdrop Day parade that everyone missed.

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