Camp Princess Pampering

Summer’s here and you know what that means. I have no privacy.
No alone time. No time just for me. Oh, I might get a few precious
seconds of peace now and then. But that’s only if I remember to
lock the bathroom door.
Summer’s here and you know what that means. I have no privacy. No alone time. No time just for me. Oh, I might get a few precious seconds of peace now and then. But that’s only if I remember to lock the bathroom door.

And if I take too long – or heaven forbid, sneak in to read a few pages of “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” undisturbed – someone always knocks on the door.

Even the dog. Don’t ask me where she learned that.

Even worse, for a week I’ve taken Junior to roller-hockey camp. So you’d think I’d have a little time to myself, wouldn’t you? But no. There’s always an errand to run or a carpet to vacuum. And somehow, that morning of free time suddenly turns into nothing. One minute it’s 9am and the whole morning is mine, and the next minute, it’s noon and Junior is waiting to be picked up. And I haven’t even made it to the pet store for dog food yet.

So, I’m designing my own summer camp for moms – Camp Princess Pampering. We need a place where we can recharge our batteries and not worry about whether our family members have clean underwear for the next day.

Camp Princess Pampering has no phones. Nobody can call a mom to settle a fight over who had the remote control first or whose turn it is to feed the lizard. Camp Princess Pampering is set high in the redwoods, and no children are admitted on the grounds. So nobody can show up at the gates and demand that a mom find a lost shoe, LEGO brick or dog.

At Camp Princess Pampering, your underwear is always clean, even though you don’t do laundry, and the floors always sparkle. The bathroom doors are self-locking, and you can stay in there all day without anyone knocking. The bathtubs are free of soap scum, dirt rings and toy boats. The bubble bath is Chanel, not Mr. Bubble. And if you want, you can soak forever without running out of hot water.

Alarm clocks are banned at Camp Princess Pampering. You can wake when you like, with no dogs or kids to get you up before dawn. A fresh latte and muffin are waiting on the nightstand. And after you rise, the sheets automatically change by themselves so you never have to worry about sleeping with muffin crumbs.

Camp Princess Pampering also has a day spa. Mud baths, facials, pedicures, manicures and massages are all available here.

Massages are given by your choice of movie star clones – anyone from Tom Cruise to Robert Redford.

At Camp Princess pampering, you can eat whatever you want. All the food is fat, carbohydrate and calorie free. And it still tastes good. Campers can pig out on ice cream, chips, burgers and pizza and not gain an ounce. And the dishes? Well, of course they wash themselves.

Exercise at Camp Princess Pampering is optional. Should you choose to do a workout, you will lose twenty pounds in one day. And you won’t ever gain it back. If you don’t wish to exercise, you can lay by the pool, reading, without sunscreen smeared all over you. At Camp Princess Pampering, even the sun can’t harm you.

But the very best part of Camp Princess Pampering is that, while you are gone, the staff goes to your home, runs your errands, does your grocery shopping, cleans your house, takes care of your kids and even makes dinner.

I could go for that.

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