Christmas missive to all our friends

It is once again time to put a little rum in the egg nog,
garnish it with nutmeg, and light the ole yule log. And of course,
dictate this intimate and personal form letter, sort it by zip
code, and bulk mail it to you, our closest and dearest friends.
Editor’s note: A little humorous satire is good for the soul.

Christmas 2010

To Our Closest and Dearest Friends,

It is once again time to put a little rum in the egg nog, garnish it with nutmeg, and light the ole yule log. And of course, dictate this intimate and personal form letter, sort it by zip code, and bulk mail it to you, our closest and dearest friends.

We would like to have gotten this out sooner, but our staff has been busy cataloging and storing all of Renee’s Nobels, Pulitzers and other international awards. They have only recently found time to access our “Closest and Dearest Friends” data file and purge the names of those who posted those videos on You Tube. (It was a set-up, for sure. Our attorney has confirmed that someone had spiked the punch with Everclear, and he assures us that everyone in the room was over 18. I am not allowed to discuss it further.)

As you might imagine, Renee has been busy at the institute and in the studio. Her exhibition at NY MOMA was attended by everyone who is anyone (sorry we didn’t see you there!!) and received rave reviews. Her story will be the subject of Malcolm Gladwell’s next book. They naturally missed her at the institute while she toured to promote the three-volume compilation of her transcendent art work. I tell her, “Renee, take a break. The world can get by for a few days without you.” Then we just look at each other and laugh.

It has been a challenge for Vanessa to attend college with “normal” kids, but despite our words of caution, she insists that commoners are people, too. We take comfort in knowing that she is fully vaccinated. When not tutoring her professors, she found time to complete her three-volume thesis for her 7th post graduate degree: “Quantum Physics in Treating Tripolar Disease.”

Drew’s latest book of three dimensional Sudoku’s is a hot seller at every Mensa chapter where he is so respected for his four-digit IQ. His groundbreaking work in music theory has led to the establishment of the brand new Key of H. Piano builders aren’t thrilled now that folks need to tickle the old 96’s. Sorry, Steinway, but it’s there, a half step above G. How did we miss it? Thanks for looking, Drew.

In September, Ron was doing some fix-it work around the house. While he was driving a nail, he accidentally punched a hole in the space-time continuum. It was followed by a tricky journey into the past and other dimensions. While there, he did manage to correct two major historical tragedies: new Coke and the Kardashians. Now, thanks to Ron, they never happened.

Well, we’re just sure that in between episodes of “Real Housewives of Topeka,” something important must have happened in your lives this past year. And if we weren’t so busy, I just know we’d be really interested. But our striving and giving leaves us little time for such things.

Happy Holidays.

Ron Erskine, worldwide renowned naturalist and long lost cousin to Johnny Muir, is a regular contributing columnist to the Dispatch. His outdoor column is published on the web and in print on Fridays.

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