Message in the stars: ‘Signs’ of confusion ahead

The last word about dads on Father's Day

Remember when you were a hot, young unattached person hangin’ at
one of those “happening” watering holes, and another (ostensibly)
unattached person would sidle up to your stool and murmur
seductively, “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?” And you, unable to
repudiate such an original, irresistible line would reply,
“Whatever it is, it’s compatible with your sign, you smooth-talking
hunka-hunka-burning love,” and then away you’d both dance to live
happily ever after? Remember that? Yeah, me neither.
Remember when you were a hot, young unattached person hangin’ at one of those “happening” watering holes, and another (ostensibly) unattached person would sidle up to your stool and murmur seductively, “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?” And you, unable to repudiate such an original, irresistible line would reply, “Whatever it is, it’s compatible with your sign, you smooth-talking hunka-hunka-burning love,” and then away you’d both dance to live happily ever after? Remember that? Yeah, me neither.

So you can imagine the devastating blow to humanity – and pickup lines – earlier this month when the announcement came that we’re no longer who we thought we were. That’s right; new Zodiac sign dates have thrown a cosmic wrench into the hearts of all us purist believers of astrology who deemed our personalities were enhanced (or victimized) by virtue of the day upon which we were born.

Have you been called “conceited” or “self-absorbed?” Well. That’s probably just the Leo coming out in you. Since Leos (like the lions for whom they’re named) are “strong leaders” with “regal” qualities and a “noble manner,” people admire you because you’re looking to change the world and make it a better place. Those are just a couple of qualities that folks with late summer birthdays called their own.

Astrology alert: strong leaders were not all Leos: Martin Luther King, Jr., a prominent leader in America’s civil rights movement arrived on Jan. 15 (Capricorn). And famous presidential leaders? JFK was born May 29 (Gemini); George Washington (Pisces) arrived on the 22nd of February; Abraham Lincoln (Aquarius) checked in on Feb. 12. However, our current president, Barack Obama, thrilled astrologers everywhere by being born on Aug. 4, a true Leo. See? Astrology can predict a president! Sort of.

But now, what the heck are we supposed to do with all those self-imposed opinions of our personalities that we’ve carried about with us for years? I mean, chances are your birth sign has changed, folks, and all those horoscopes you’ve invested years in reading were – yep – meant for other people!

Yet this travesty didn’t come along just yesterday. The earth’s bit of, well … wobbliness, was discovered about 280 B.C. by astronomer Aristarchus of Samos. Historical note: Aristarchus name “coincidentally” contains the word “star,” qualifying him as the expert of his generation. And our planet’s unstable old axis has shifted so much during the past 2,000 years, horoscopes and their applicable astrological signs are an entire month off!

So what now, you ask? Well, if you’re one of those unfortunate souls who tattooed your (or your significant other’s) astrological sign to your backside, I have two words for you: laser surgery.

My own Daughter No. 2 weighed in on this unfortunate astrological situation on her blog recently. Her three decades of being a dual-natured Gemini came screeching to a halt when the new signs plopped her backward into Taurus, the bull. Her assessment of the situation?

“In a nutshell, I am a Taurus now … I’m too annoyed to read about what it means to be a Taurus. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not all into astrology but when you go from happy to moody in 3.2 seconds, it’s awesome to have something to blame it on that is COMPLETELY outside my control. See, I used to be a Gemini and all you need to know is they have multiple personalities and something can set them off like you wouldn’t believe. They also like to shop A LOT. And eat yummy food. They can’t help it, you see, because that’s how they were born …”

Her thoughtful explanation of this catastrophe is very scientific so follow closely here: “Its due to stuff moving in the sky or something.”

Yep, sounds like we are going to need Zodiac Rehab to adjust to our new personalities. Except our personalities have been around for centuries, at least, even if it was the next astrological sign over. But what about those poor unfortunates cast into the NEW (the 13th) astrological sign, Ophiuchus? I haven’t a clue how to pronounce this word except it reads like a very bad sneeze would sound. Weirder still is there are only 19 days allotted to the new sign. What’s up with that?

And what of the character of an Ophiuchus (given the creepy icon of “Serpent Holder”)? Well. As the “International Business Times” helpfully reports, “your personality traits are in line with, well, your existing personality traits.” Yeah, no. This is SO way over my head.

But here’s alarming information: Under the old signs, I began life as an Aquarius. I was happy being an Aquarius. And now I’m either Capricorn or Sagittarius; my birthday falls into both categories according to the chart. So I need to call my daughter. About that multiple personality thing? Looks like I’ve got it in spades.

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