Learning to love the birds and the bees

The last word about dads on Father's Day

With summer now in full swing and the kiddos underfoot, you may
find it’s a perfect time to initiate certain tasks you’ve been
putting off such as those alarming “birds and the bees” discussions
with your offspring. Although how and at what age do parents
properly approach these conversations with their kids? Sorry. I
haven’t a clue.
With summer now in full swing and the kiddos underfoot, you may find it’s a perfect time to initiate certain tasks you’ve been putting off such as those alarming “birds and the bees” discussions with your offspring. Although how and at what age do parents properly approach these conversations with their kids? Sorry. I haven’t a clue. Sure, I’m a mom, but seriously. Those talks at our house (if they ever actually happened) were eons ago.

So how do parents best convey to their offspring facts about falling in love? The arena of love is large after all; knowing where to start is complex. Kids are little vacuums when it comes to sucking up all the titillation found just about everywhere you look these days, and who needs that? Perhaps it would be helpful to utilize role models as examples of relationships founded on love and respect.

Now role models must be selected carefully. Using the wrong role model could land you permanently in the Facts-of-Life ditch. Therefore, here is helpful guidance on directions NOT to take when you sit the youngsters down for a chat about life’s role models of love.

Bad Idea No. 1: Hugh Hefner. Yes, the 85-year-old Hef generously let his former 25-year-old fiance keep her big diamond engagement ring, but apparently that darned 60-year-age difference finally scared the bejabbers out of former Playmate, Crystal Harris. “After much deep reflection and thought, I have decided to end my engagement with Hef,” was Crystal’s moving explanation about calling off the wedding. But Hef, recovering nicely with a couple of replacement Playmates, wrapped it all up in a mature, grandfatherly fashion. “I think I just missed a bullet,” he declared lovingly.

Bad Idea No. 2: Anthony Weiner. Yes, we’ve all had it up to “here” with “Weinergate,” but in the Information Age, looking for love in all the wrong places and sending naughty pictures of one’s “parts” does not make that person the brightest bulb in the chandelier. Best to keep one’s privates, well … private.

Bad Idea No. 3: Charlie Sheen. Oh, Charlie, Charlie. Yes, even the two “goddesses” apparently had all they could handle of this host of his own “Torpedo of Truth” tour. The noticeable goddess vacancy hasn’t kept the “MaSheen” down, however, and if his travelin’ road show wasn’t the “Winning” experience Charlie expected, he doesn’t seem that upset about it. Trouble is, if the Chuckster doesn’t buy a clue before too long, Charlie’s loving shorthand description of himself – “Winning” – could turn into another, more permanent shorthand: “O.D.”

Bad Idea No. 4: The unidentified pilot of Southwest Airlines. Part of a meaningful relationship is knowing how to talk in a loving way about others. So last spring when the friendly skies became a cesspool of TMI (too much information) as this sweetheart fly-boy unintentionally broadcast a stream of (un)consciousness in the cockpit, folks were a bit shocked. I mean, grousing about gays, “grannies” (older flight attendants) and “grandes” (plump flight attendants) is such a buzz kill nowadays. A tragic dearth of “cute chicks” had this good old boy in a tailspin for awhile, but hopefully his “sensitivity training” has cleaned him up a bit. “I still wouldn’t want anyone to know if I had (sex with) them,” he grumped at one point during his tirade. Um … dude. I don’t think you have to worry about chicks, be they gay, granny or grande, having much to do with you at this point.

Bad Idea No. 5: You’d think you’d be safe having your youngster pattern himself or herself after a person of the cloth. Right? Well, perhaps, but here’s one fellow I’d leave out of the conversation: William Tapley, aka the “Third Eagle of the Apocalypse.” The “Eagle” has a problem with the Denver International Airport, claiming it is a seething cauldron of phallic symbols. Its murals and art are rife with evil according to Brother Tapley. Why, there within the concourse corridors are naked women (um, not sure where) and penguins with proliferous packages lurking among multitudes of exposed private parts and pornography. A horse’s tail? Phallic symbol. A horse’s mane? Phallic symbol. Even DIA’s outdoor baggage handling area is a huge phallus representation. Yup, you heard it here first.

So now that you know which “role models” to avoid during “The Talk,” there is still the nuisance of knowing the best time to conduct this tricky little Love Chat with the kids. My first instinct about “when” is while they’re still in the womb, but don’t quote me on that.

Yet count on this: when the time comes to let loose with the birds and the bees, bank on the fact that your kids are already a trazillion times wiser to the ways of the world than you are. I’m just saying.

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