Recently, my husband and I made a trip to Costco. It’s not often that I take Harry to Costco. This is because Harry, normally The World’s Cheapest Man, goes insane the minute he enters the store. If not restrained, he will spend every penny in the checking account. I’m not kidding. If you don’t believe me, you should see our garage. We can’t keep cars in it.
Anyway, once inside Costco, Harry fell instantly in love with a safe. And when I say “instantly in love,” I mean he stood next to it, whispering sweet nothings into its keypad. It was kind of embarrassing, to tell the truth.
But you won’t believe what I found while switching the contents from our old, perfectly usable safe to the new, perfectly usable safe. (And after you read the list, you will understand why I’m not afraid anyone else will read it and decide to burglarize our home.)
1. Twenty-two receipts from various fast-food establishments dated from March and April 2003. Apparently, those were very stressful months, which needed the solace that only many days of Big Macs and fries can bring.
2. Harry’s diplomas from high school and college.
3. Our tax records from the following years: 1991, 1996 and 2009. I do not know where any of the other tax records are, but I hope he has a secret safety deposit box somewhere.
4. A large roll-up jewelry container that held three pairs of costume jewelry earrings, including my beloved light-up ghost earrings and my Christmas flamingo earrings. Clearly, those needed to be kept somewhere where nobody would see them.
5. A Mickey Mouse watch that needed a new battery.
6. A bottle of generic antibiotic with 7 pills in it that expired in 2007.
7. Four old Macy’s credit cards. We do not have a Macy’s account.
8. Various business cards written in Chinese.
9. The baggage claim tickets from a trip we took in 1994.
10. Harry’s Gerber Baby insurance policy.
11. Approximately 572 keys that don’t fit any locks we have now, nor do they fit the doors for our cars, our home or Harry’s office.
12. A pair of Harry’s glasses, which he’s been searching for since July.
13. Three empty manila envelopes with the handwritten label “Important Documents: Do Not Destroy.”
14. A camera lens from a 20-year old camera. There was no sign of the camera.
15. A piece of paper that said “Do not remove from safe.”
16. Detailed maintenance records for a car we sold in 1992.
17. An empty film container.
18. All of Junior’s baby teeth.
19. A screwdriver.
20. The combination to the safe.
Obviously, these treasures were the reason we needed a newer, bigger safe. I mean, somebody has to keep those fast food receipts from getting into the wrong hands, right?