Talking turkey with the Republican presidential candidates

It’s the great debate, America: to stuff or not to stuff the
Thanksgiving bird.
It’s the great debate, America: to stuff or not to stuff the Thanksgiving bird.

Because of this controversy, we took the question to the GOP presidential candidates. As a Thanksgiving public service, you’re invited to the sixth or possibly the 110th Republican candidates debate, moderated by Ryan “Why not, I do everything else!” Seacrest. An added surprise: the original “American Idol” judges have reunited to panel this debate.

Seacrest: “Good evening. On everyone’s mind this week are the burning questions about Thanksgiving turkey. Stuffing or dressing? Inside or outside the bird? Beginning tonight’s questions, Simon Cowell.”

Cowell: “Representative Ron Paul, you call yourself a ‘purist.’ How is that attitude commensurate to the matter of stuffing the turkey at the Paul household?”

Rep. Paul: “It’s none of the government’s business. It’s not my place to decide. Everyone has a responsibility to choose whether or not to stuff their bird.”

Cowell: “Congresswoman Bachmann: Same question.”

Michele Bachmann: “I have always stood on the side of the turkey. I have never wavered from that position.”

Cowell: “Congresswoman Bachmann, this follow-up question: if you’re elected president, what will you do to change your hideous hairstyle?”

Paula Abdul (sobbing): “Oh, Simon, you are mean! How can you be so mean?!”

Cowell: “Get a life, Paula.”

Seacrest: “Randy Jackson, your question for the candidates regarding their Thanksgiving turkey?”

Jackson: “Right, dawg. Gov. Huntsman, you were formerly ambassador to China. Did you pick up any good turkey stuffing tips in China?”

Jon Huntsman: “Randy, the stuffing isn’t the main concern with the turkey. It’s stir-frying. I will only stir-fry a turkey in domestic oil.”

Jackson: “This to Herman Cain. Mr. Cain, as former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, are you qualified to stuff a turkey? And speaking of turkeys, I’ve gotta ask, what’s up with all this talk of once-upon-a-time you havin’, you know, a few too many hens in the barnyard? Just keepin’ it real, dawg.”

Herman Cain (winking at Congresswoman Bachman): “I represent, er … resent that line of questioning.”

Cowell: “House Speaker Gingrich: as a former member of Congress, what in your vast experience uniquely qualifies you to make decisions on stuffing the Thanksgiving turkey?”

Congresswoman Bachmann: “Excuse me, Simon. I’d like to answer that question. I was a tax attorney, and I know how the tax system works. And believe me when I say, I have always stood for fences. Yes, fences are the way to keep turkeys within our borders, not only here in America but in other countries, too.”

Cowell: “Dear God, woman, is there something wrong with your eyes?”

Paula Abdul: “I hate you, Simon!”

Newt Gingrich: “We need a contract with America about stuffing our Thanksgiving birds. My first day in office I’ll sign 200 executive orders …”

Gov. Rick Perry: “Excuse me, but y’all should know that in Texas I wouldn’t eat any turkey that hasn’t been vaccinated against HPV.”

Former Sen. Rick Santorum: “Last week I met with 14 homemakers in Iowa who all promised to serve dressing on the side of their turkeys on Thanksgiving. In fact, statistics show that half of all turkeys …”

Gov. Perry: “Pardon me for being a ‘Buttinsky,’ Mr. Santorum, but if Iowa built fences to keep out illegal turkeys we would be sure all U.S. turkeys are guaranteed the right to contain … to contain … ummm … I can’t think of the … OOPS. But I want to emphasize that my opponent, Mitt Romney, has flip-flopped on the turkey issue saying he was first … was before he was before …”

Former Gov. Mitt Romney (resting his hand on Gov. Perry’s shoulder): “Governor, I think the real issue here is President Obama has failed to find these turkeys jobs. Jobs, jobs, jobs. The Obama administration is on the fence and flapping ‘a-fowl’ of jobs. He’s ‘fowled-out’ on jobs.”

Gov. Perry: “Giblets.”

Romney: “What?”

Gov. Perry: “I thought of what I meant. Giblets.”

Ryan Seacrest: “I’m afraid there’s no clear answer today on this complicated issue of whether to stuff the Thanksgiving bird, but hopefully everybody makes like a turkey on Thanksgiving and goes gobble-gobble-gobble!”

Thank you, friends, for tuning in to our turkey debate. Now, back to your regularly scheduled newspaper.

Leave your comments