This year I have decided to make some New Year’s Resolutions. This was very difficult for me, because in the past I have not stuck to any of the resolutions I’ve made. I think that was because they were too hard. I mean, I had stuff on my list like “accomplish world peace” and “stop playing Angry Birds 24/7.”
Seriously. Nobody can stop playing Angry Birds 24/7. Trust me. You’ll accomplish world peace first.
Anyway, because my goals were unattainable, I stopped making resolutions. Also? I thought changing myself every year was weird. Who does that? You know, besides the rest of the planet.
But this year, I’m becoming a follower and making New Year’s Resolutions.
No. 1: I will only play Angry Birds once a day. Baby steps, right? I mean, if you are going to quit an addiction, you have to take baby steps. Of course, I have like four Angry Birds games. So that’s each game, once a day. I think I might be able to do that. Wait. I have them on my phone and my iPad. So that’s like eight games a day. Oh, I can totally do that. I think.
No. 2: I will stop pretending I am not home whenever anyone comes to my door before noon and I am still dressed in my pj’s with my hair looking like a chicken danced in it.
No. 3: I will actually get out of my pj’s before noon each day. As a bonus, this will help me accomplish resolution No. 2, because there is no way on earth that I am answering the door when I still have my pj’s on and my hair looks like a chicken danced in it.
No. 4: I will spend less time on the Internet, except when it is work-related, like when I am researching a column on why the Real Housewives of Whatever City are such idiotic dingle-brains.
No. 5: When I am on the Internet, I will read actual, real news first, instead of going right to gossip sites to see where Lindsay Lohan threw up/punched someone out/shoplifted the night before.
No. 6: I will listen to my husband and change all my usernames to something more difficult to hack. I am thinking of fooling all potential hackers by changing my usernames to “password” and my password to “username.” Shhh. Don’t tell anyone.
No. 7: I will not greet every mother of a tantrum-throwing toddler with the words: “It gets worse, I have a teenager.”
No. 8: I will eat chocolate whenever I want to eat it. Oh, please. Even if I said I was going to quit it, I wouldn’t. So why make a resolution I clearly won’t keep?
No. 9: I will stop embarrassing my teenager on purpose by going into a store with him and yelling out, “I forget … boxers or briefs?” The truth is, that’s really only fun the first 100 times you do it.
No. 10: I will get more fruit and veggies in my diet by using fresh mint and lemon juice for all of my alcoholic drinks.
No. 11: I will stop vowing to lose weight and instead buy a scale that easily breaks so I am always at my goal weight.
Well, I think that’s quite a list. A few will be difficult (hello, Angry Birds, I’m talking to you) and some will be easier (I’ve already smashed my scale). But I resolve to keep them … at least until February.