The holidays are here and all of us know what that means. Yes, we must try to outdo our neighbors with our display of holiday spirit. We need lights! We need trees! We need a lot of beer to make our decorating go faster.
We also have rules. These are rules that have been followed by every man since the invention of the first outdoor Christmas decoration. Follow them.
Before decorating, you must unravel all the lights from last year. This will take approximately 14 weeks and involve much swearing.
When your friends come by to commiserate with you—you must offer them beer. This will shorten the amount the time it takes to unravel the lights.
Abandon the urge to unravel the lights and throw them on the bushes. In an artistic way, of course. Do not under any circumstances throw them on your friends. That is not artistic.
When your wife and your friends’ wives come outside to check your progress, you should hide all the empty bottles of beer and pretend to be sober. Note: Pretending to be sober means you don’t slur the words “look, honey it’s Shanta. See Shanta?” Nobody sees Shanta. Only you see Shanta. The rest of us see SANTA. And several drunk guys wearing lights.
You and your friends will not fit in the wicker sleigh your wife bought at Lowe’s last weekend. No matter how hard you try and how many beers you drink—and, when the wicker sleigh breaks—you will not be in any condition to replace it.
That blowup racecar driven by Santa is not a real racecar. There is no point in setting up a track on the lawn.
Bathroom breaks do not last the entire day. Neither do beer breaks.
If you are adding music to your light display keep in mind that at least one neighbor will complain. Don’t worry. Offer the neighbor a beer. If that doesn’t work, wait until dark and drop a fruitcake at their door. They won’t complain again.
All decorations look awesome through beer goggles. Offer everyone who comes by your house a beer and you will have the best-decorated house on the block.