I am an older parent. Look, I was already in my early 30’s when
Junior came along. And I can’t tell you how hard it was. It wasn’t
just the sleepless nights.
I am an older parent. Look, I was already in my early 30’s when Junior came along. And I can’t tell you how hard it was. It wasn’t just the sleepless nights. Well, OK, that was a huge part. But truly it was keeping up with a kid that wore me down. It was the constant diaper changes, constant feedings, constant sleepless nights spent sitting up in a chair holding Junior so he’d be comfortable when he had an ear infection.
And that’s why I’m so shocked about Lauren Cohen. She’s the 59-year old mom who gave birth to twins somewhere around eight weeks ago. She’s calls them a “miracle.” The press calls her “the oldest new mom in America.”
I call her crazy.
Look, I think people should do what they want. If Lauren Cohen wants to have kids at 59, it’s not really up to me to tell her no. But I just can’t imagine waking up at that age and thinking, “what was on my to-do list that I forgot? Oh yeah, I forgot to have twins.” And then going out and doing it.
But it’s not like Cohen went into this without really understanding that she would not get another full night’s sleep until she was 65. That’s because Cohen already has an 18-month old girl and a 27-year old daughter. And that begs the question – good Lord woman, didn’t you learn the first time?
Look, I’m all for parenthood – obviously. But heck, it’s HARD. It takes energy. And even if she is the most energetic woman ever to carry an AARP card, the fact remains that parenting is a challenge for anyone – young or old…er.
But I’ll tell you – the first thing I thought of when I heard about Cohen and her twins wasn’t the sleepless nights. It wasn’t even the thought of keeping up with three kids under two when one of the parents qualified for the senior dinner at Denny’s.
No, it was the play dates that worried me the most.
The fact is play dates are the most important part of a baby’s life. That’s because play dates aren’t for babies – babies could care less about other babies. Play dates exist for the mothers. In fact, until babies morph into toddlers, play dates are really just excuses for the moms to get out of the house and talk to other human beings that actually walk, talk and don’t need their diapers changed.
Play dates are sometimes the only fence between sanity and insanity for moms. Afternoons at the park with other mothers who haven’t slept, haven’t washed their hair and don’t remember their own names is the only thing that keeps some mothers awake and hopeful that someday they will actually brush their teeth and change their underwear on the very same morning.
But the older mom at a play date is at a disadvantage. While the other moms are wondering when they’ve healed enough from their c-sections to re-pierce their belly buttons, the older mother is biting her tongue to keep from warning those moms about infection rates from piercings in any place other than the ears.
But you know, once I got past the play date issue, I realized that Cohen might have some advantages that no other mom has. For example, when Cohen is in her 70’s, she’ll have free shuttle service to wherever she wants to go. Her kids will be 16 and we all know that a 16-year old driver is the best errand runner ever. What freshly licensed teen won’t leap at the opportunity to drive his mom to the senior center on Bingo Night?
And Cohen is a living history museum for those kids. When they’re studying the 60’s, they won’t have to surf the web to learn about those ancient days. They can simply ask their mother. After all, she was there. Although I hope they are more tactful about it than Junior was. He once asked me what it was like riding in a covered wagon. I told him I didn’t know – since they didn’t have them when I was young and dinosaurs roamed the earth.
So I guess I wish Cohen the best of luck, even though I think she’s full-on crazy. And just in case, I’d like her to know that I’ve found those sugar-free energy drinks to be lifesavers. Oh, and one more thing. No matter how wonderful the other moms say it is – belly button piercing isn’t for everyone.
