The last few hours of the largely unlamented year 2003 are upon
us like dandruff on a black coat, and it is time to look forward.
For those of you who are already buzzed in anticipation of New
Year’s Eve,
”
forward
”
is whatever direction your nose is pointing — it’s a subjective
thing, which partly explains why each new year starts off with
everybody wandering around and bumping into each other. Well, that
and the six-dollar-a-case champagne.
The last few hours of the largely unlamented year 2003 are upon us like dandruff on a black coat, and it is time to look forward. For those of you who are already buzzed in anticipation of New Year’s Eve, “forward” is whatever direction your nose is pointing — it’s a subjective thing, which partly explains why each new year starts off with everybody wandering around and bumping into each other. Well, that and the six-dollar-a-case champagne.
In any event, I’m not talking here about predictions and I’m not talking about the self-delusion in which it is traditional to engage called “new year’s resolutions.” If those things had any operative significance, by the end of January every year America would have lost so much weight that it would actually rise and float above the planet.
No, I’m talking about hopes, the only thing in the universe besides humor that everybody both needs and can afford. For example …
Let us hope that in 2004 it turns out that Michael Jackson is guilty only of being Michael Jackson, which is more than weird enough for all but the most hardened professionals.
Let us hope that in 2004 somebody finds at least one weapon of mass destruction in Iraq — a bottle rocket, an SUV with a leaky muffler, a cache of documents revealing how Dick Cheney came up with our energy policy — anything at all. It will make poor gullible Tony Blair so vindicated that in the next election somebody might even vote for him.
Let us hope that in 2004 a scientist somewhere invents an ear-implanted device that automatically mutes all campaign commercials, permitting us the necessary tranquility and perspective to contemplate more important things, like Ikea sales and what or who J.Lo will do next to keep her career alive.
Let us hope that in 2004 many tiny nations of which we have never heard will achieve medals in the Olympics in sports the existence of which we were not aware, thus creating sympathy and goodwill toward them for the next time they want us to send troops there to prop up or overthrow a regime, to search for oil, or to wire up the country for online shopping.
Let us hope that in 2004 a way is found to clone Saddam Hussein several times so that every country, provisional government, and international organization that wants to put him on trial can each have their own proceedings free of interference from the others. The fact that there is presently only one of him to go around bids fair to cause a whole other war between the competitors who all want to insure that he has a scrupulously fair trial, a guaranteed outcome, and a televised execution (it is rumored that ABC is already planning a ratings-boosting reality show around it — working title: “Non-Survivor”), hopefully within the time-frame of the election campaigns of those who will benefit from the publicity.
Let us hope that in 2004 the Bush economic recovery generates at least a few jobs above minimum wage; we can’t all sell each other hamburgers and fries if we don’t make enough to afford to eat them.
Hey, we can hope, can’t we?
