I apologize.
I apologize to the entire population of Gilroy
– every one of you.
I apologize.

I apologize to the entire population of Gilroy – every one of you. And I guess while I’m at it, I’d better apologize to the people of Morgan Hill and San Martin, too. And maybe some of the people in Hollister.

Please forgive me.

You see, I broke my ankle. So I’m wreaking havoc on the citizens of South County. It’s the crutches. I’ve never had to use them before – and it shows. In fact, in my incredibly uncoordinated hands, crutches are more of a weapon than a walking aid.

So I apologize to every single person I have whacked in the last week or so. And I apologize in advance to every single person I will be whacking in the next four or five weeks. Really, it’s all an accident. Except for the lady I whacked in Target.

Look, I’m not a mean person – but she ran into me with her cart. Three times. Once, I can understand. I realize that it’s difficult to see a short, chubby woman careening around house wares on two very unsteady crutches – even if I was screaming, “oh my gosh, look out” at the top of my lungs. But she came back and ran into me twice after that.

So she deserved a whack. And anyway, it was just a tiny whack. And it was kind of an accident. In a very accidentally-on-purpose kind of way.

Oh, I know what you are thinking. If I stink at crutches, why not use one of those motorized carts? Please. Have you ever seen me drive? The DMV doesn’t really license people with my kind of record. They just give me a card with my picture on it and hope never to see me on the road.

But after a couple of days of trying to balance on the crutches, my arms started to hurt. So I did try the motorized carts, and I must say, they’re a total blast. I think top speed is maybe – just maybe – slightly faster than walking. But, oh those babies can TURN. Wheeee! You can just whiz through Target and Nob Hill.

Of course, I’m not that good at steering. Or backing up. Or going forward, to be honest. But unlike the crutches, I haven’t hit any people while driving the little cart things. I have taken out several store displays, though.

But it’s not really my fault. Have you ever tried to steer a motorized cart at top speed through the aisles? It’s not easy. So I apologize to the Target clerk who had to clean up that book spill. And the nice guy at Nob Hill that picked up the cans of root beer that rolled out of the case and down the aisle. And my friend, Nature Girl, who stopped me right before I took out a 5-foot tall display of walkie-talkies at Costco.

Of course it hasn’t been all whacking and destruction. Actually, one of the nicest things is that I have some true friends. Like the neighbors who walk Junior to and from school every day – because I can’t. And Nature Girl, who drives me everywhere – because I can’t. And Harry who cleans up the house – because I told him I can’t.

And of course, the citizens of South County – because I can’t drive. So even though I may whack you with crutches or run you over with a cart thingy, I can’t hit you with my car. Don’t you feel better?

Of course, in January, you’d better look out. The cast will be off and I’ll be on the road again. Wheeee!

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