Well, it’s about time. After all these years of proliferating TV
channels catering to every little niche with more than three
potential viewers
– the Crochet Channel, the Landscaping With Used Computer
Peripherals Channel, the Balloon Animals Channel, and on and on –
there is finally about to be a channel for the biggest single, and
single-minded, niche of all: Guys.
Yes and hell yes.
Well, it’s about time. After all these years of proliferating TV channels catering to every little niche with more than three potential viewers – the Crochet Channel, the Landscaping With Used Computer Peripherals Channel, the Balloon Animals Channel, and on and on – there is finally about to be a channel for the biggest single, and single-minded, niche of all: Guys.
Yes and hell yes. TNN, formerly a network with only slightly above-average testosterone levels, has chosen to devote itself wholeheartedly to grabbing and squeezing the meager attention capabilities of males in their Guy Mode, which means that they intend to appeal pretty much exclusively to the portions of the male brain that the processes of culture and civilization have been struggling with limited success to eradicate. But now, thankfully, the knuckle-dragging Neanderthal in all of us Real Men has been resurrected and placed on the pedestal of honor where he belongs. Overt leering, scratching, and drooling shall be joyfully celebrated 24/7 – is this a great country or what?
We don’t know all the details yet, but we can assume there will be lots and lots of wrestling; there will also be a cartoon about a lawyer who becomes a rat (whether this is intended to be a comedy, a drama, or a documentary cannot yet be determined), another cartoon about a bulbously-endowed crime-fighter/exotic dancer voiced-over by Pamela Anderson, and a bucketful of action shows that we possessors of Y-Chromosomes can proudly grunt along with. At last we can stop feeling guilty about our predilection for offensive, boorish behavior and just be proud of ourselves for being what we really are: permanent obnoxious teenagers.
I have a couple of ideas for shows that will further TNN’s noble crusade to legitimize the science of belching and replace the Mona Lisa with a Playmate of the Month as the epitome of graphic art. For example:
“Duct Taping With Bubba” – a weekly one-hour docu-drama exploring the myriad ways in which everything in the known universe from loose dentures to a bad marriage can be fixed with what host Bubba Lefkowitz likes to call “God’s gift-wrap.” Episodes will include straightening the Leaning Tower of Pisa, constructing a Winston Cup car, and patching up our relations with the French, using no materials of any kind except duct tape and an X-acto knife.
“American Idle” – a Pilates exercise show focused exclusively on building dexterity and endurance in the all-important remote control channel-changing thumb. Dedicated practitioners can learn to change channels with such speed and precision that they can follow two baseball games, a car race, “Woodworking With Norm,” a beach volleyball tournament, and “WWF Raw” simultaneously without missing a single pitch, wreck, dovetail joint, spike or body slam. Not for beginners.
“Supporting the Troops” – teams of gorgeous, not-excessively bright topless young women are dispatched to the Middle East to compete in assisting our forces’ search for Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction. Points are awarded for such things as finding Iraq (5 points), finding our troops (5 points), finding anything even remotely similar to a weapon of mass destruction (5 points), jumping up and down (50 points), and slathering SPF 400 sunscreen on each other (500 points). TNN anticipates this being the breakthrough show that will push their rating past ABC, NBC, CBS, WB, Fox, and CNN combined.
On behalf of whipped, involuntarily-civilized guys everywhere, I say thank you TNN, for putting the “men” back into “mentally-challenged.”
