I have a confession to make. I have lust in my heart.
Oh, it isn’t what you think. I lust for a purse
– and it’s not just any purse. I have lust in my heart for a
genuine designer purse.
I have a confession to make. I have lust in my heart.
Oh, it isn’t what you think. I lust for a purse – and it’s not just any purse. I have lust in my heart for a genuine designer purse. In fact, it’s so classy, it isn’t even a purse, it’s a handbag. Specifically, it’s a Kate Spade “Stephania” bag.
And I want it to be mine.
Now this is weird. I’m really not a “handbag” person. I’m more of a purse person. A cheap purse person. If a purse costs more than $19.99, I won’t buy it. In my closet, there are many purses, but not one of them is a handbag.
But I want that handbag so bad.
It’s driving me crazy. I find myself on the Internet, surfing for handbag sites, just so I can gaze lustfully after it. I’ve tried everything I know to get the lust out of my heart – but it just won’t leave. I crave that handbag.
But I just can’t buy it. For one thing, I have cheap handbag-itis. This is a well-known disease among women. We won’t pay hundreds of dollars for something we know will get ruined when a muddy-handed kid touches it.
And my inner cheapskate – also known as my husband, Harry – would have a heart attack if I bought it. Oh, sure I have my ways of hiding how much things cost. Doesn’t every woman? Most of us can launder money better than anyone on the FBI’s most wanted list. We are masters of the shell game, moving funds from account to account, an extra dollar here and there suddenly adding up to enough to purchase anything we want. And nobody is the wiser.
But I just can’t bring myself to buy the dang purse – handbag – whatever. And I don’t know why. I mean, if this were a pair of shoes, I would be moving the money around right now. There would be no discussion. Nordstrom would be Fed Ex-ing them to my door as we speak. But the purse is different.
Of course, there are plenty of women who don’t have cheap purse-itis. My sister doesn’t. She once lusted for a Dooney and Burke bag. Now, this is just an ordinary purse. It even has a duck on it – and it’s not Donald, either. But it didn’t matter to Tiffany that she was young and trying to make rent and a car payment. She needed that purse. She couldn’t live without it.
I thought she was an idiot. I mean, if I had to choose between eating and a purse with a duck on it, I’d choose eating. Plus, I think that after a certain age, like 5, women shouldn’t have ducks on their purses. But that’s just my opinion.
And it doesn’t change my lust for the Kate Spade bag.
I was so desperate, I even tried to buy a pirated version. But it wasn’t the same. I mean, it looked like the handbag. It felt like the handbag. It even had “Kate Spade” on a little bar across the top. But it wasn’t the bag I look at every day and lust for every afternoon.
So I guess I will just go on, lusting in my heart after a handbag I will never own. And someday, when I’m older, maybe I’ll buy one. But for now, I’ll just surf the net, watching my handbag.
Or, maybe it’ll go on sale. I’d better start transferring money now. Because you never know when that handbag is going to be 20 percent off. Miracles can happen.
Laurie Sontag is a Gilroy writer and mom who wishes parenthood had come with instructions. Her column is syndicated. You can reach Laurie at la****@la**********.com.
