Hello, it’s Kirby the dog again. I’m here to take over the
female human’s column. You know, this is a lot harder to do than
you’d think. I mean, it’s very difficult to type without those cool
thumbs you humans have. But I’m doing it out of love for the female
human.
Hello, it’s Kirby the dog again. I’m here to take over the female human’s column. You know, this is a lot harder to do than you’d think. I mean, it’s very difficult to type without those cool thumbs you humans have. But I’m doing it out of love for the female human. OK, fine. I’m doing it because she’s running around like crazy and her eyes are all wild and scary looking. And she has this list that she keeps checking and when she does, she starts muttering about “running out of time.”
But you know, she does this every year around the holidays. Personally, I don’t like Christmas very much. First there’s the tree. Why do you people insist on pulling a perfectly good tree out of the ground and then plopping it in the family room? Hello? It smells like squirrel. It reeks of squirrel, in fact. Do you know how stinky squirrel is? I have a sensitive nose. I don’t need to have squirrel smell stuck in it.
And then the humans put a bunch of lights and lots of sparkly balls on the tree. And stupid No-no Lulu thought the balls were for her to play with. So she head-butted the tree a bunch of times and all the balls fell off. Well, turns out they weren’t balls to play with, because they all broke and the female human yelled and, well, long story short, the tree still smells like squirrel but it doesn’t have any more balls on it.
And then there’s the thing under the tree where I hide my bones. The female human calls it a “tree skirt.” Anyway, No-no Lulu tried to get a bone I had just hidden under there. Well, hello? No-no Lulu had her own bone. She didn’t need mine. So after we had a little fight over it, I took my bone and ate it. And then No-no Lulu ate the tree skirt.
After that, the female human put a bunch of boxes with bows on them under the tree. Look, I’m an experienced dog, OK? And frankly, I’m smarter than most dogs. So I left the boxes alone. But No-no Lulu? She kept pulling on the bows because she thought they were rope toys. Seriously. Like the humans would put a bunch of rope toys under the tree. Especially after No-no Lulu ate the tree skirt and then barfed it up by the back door.
We did have a great day yesterday, though. The female human started a fire in the kitchen. There was smoke everywhere. And she said a lot of really bad words and then we got to eat something she called “cookies” and the alpha male called “burnt offerings.” They were awesome. Kinda black and burnt and yummy – nothing like the diet dog food she has me eating every day.
Oh, and we’re being invaded by deer. Suddenly every house around has at least one. Where the heck are they coming from? Look, those are some scary deer. They stand around doing nothing and the next thing you know, it gets a little dark and bam! They light up and start bobbing their heads around. I’m very cautious around them. You never know when their heads will start moving around. I don’t want to get poked by the antlers. And in case you were wondering, I tried barking at them, but all that got me was the red collar that makes me be quiet.
As if the deer weren’t bad enough, we’re having a snowman invasion, too. I don’t really want to talk about the snowmen. It’s awful. They’re trapped in these plastic bubbles. They keep waving and waving, but I know they are desperate to escape. It’s really horrifying. Sometimes there’s a whole family of snow people trapped in the plastic ball. It’s almost as sad as some of the shows on Animal Planet.
Oh, and have I mentioned the Santa human? He’s everywhere. Most of houses have him hanging around. Really? If any other human stood on the lawn for hours at a time, I think the residents would call the police. But no, they like the guy in the red outfit. On my daily walks, the wannabe alpha male tells me to ask Santa what I want for Christmas.
Isn’t it obvious? I want that dang squirrel smell out of my nose. Oh, and a few more burnt offerings would be nice. Happy holidays to all the dogs and humans!
