The way things are going these days, I have every confidence
that we will soon be seeing these articles in your favorite
newspaper and on your favorite TV news show …
The way things are going these days, I have every confidence that we will soon be seeing these articles in your favorite newspaper and on your favorite TV news show …
The Bush Administration responded today to the report of Chief Weapons Inspector David Kay, who after an exhaustive 10-month investigation has concluded that there are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, nor were there in the days before the war when the president and his senior advisers were claiming with absolute certainty that they were there in massive numbers. The report further indicates that an increasingly-addled Saddam Hussein had for several years been encouraged to fund a number of weapons “programs” consisting of little more than ideas on paper by his corrupt scientific advisers, who then pocketed the money and, having discovered a foolproof scheme to enrich themselves without having to show results, had no motivation to ever produce actual weapons. In logical consequence, Saddam posed no viable threat to America, nor would he in the future; it didn’t matter what Saddam wanted or intended or had ambitions to do because none of the people with the practical skills necessary to create a threat were going to do the work.
The president, however, continued to state firmly that the war was “a terrific idea” because Vice President Cheney had told him on good but undisclosed authority of the one program with which Saddam was actually moving forward, involving development of a microchip which would send a signal to our orbiting communications satellites commanding them to change every television set in America to the Home Shopping Channel and leave it there permanently. “Compared to the damage that would be caused to this great country from having the entire nation forced to watch Joan Rivers peddle jewelry hour after hour, sending 170,000 troops halfway around the world to start a war was a no-brainer.” Finally given a justification for the war that made some sense, the public response was overwhelmingly positive, and the president’s approval ratings shot up to over 100 percent, with millions of people declaring that they intended to vote for him twice.
Minister of Patriotism John Ashcroft issued an edict today ordering the Department of Commerce and the FDA to require all producers of commercial goods, foods and pharmaceuticals to demonstrate their loyalty by attaching a label to everything sold in America stating: “The manufacturers declare under penalty of perjury, cross our hearts and hope to be deprived of all our civil liberties, that this product contains absolutely no members of Al Qaida.”
Dressed in a Buzz Lightyear costume, the president appeared at a photo opp at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena and offered brief comments on his proposed mission to Mars. “Some people ask, why go to Mars now? After all, my daddy proposed the same thing when he was president even though he had no intention of doing anything about it. And as for me, until quite recently I couldn’t even find Mars on a globe. But this great nation is in a crisis: My administration has already borrowed all the money on this planet, and Earth is tapped out. It is therefore critical to our economic health that we boldly go into the universe in the great tradition of our adventurous and heroic forefathers, like Columbus when he discovered Ohio, and seek out new forms of life, specifically a rich extraterrestrial who is looking for a sound investment with a good rate of return.”
In other news, Democratic presidential hopeful John Edwards said today that he would accept the vice-presidency on a ticket with John Kerry or Wesley Clark, but not with Howard Dean or Joe Lieberman. Clark said he would run with Dean or Kerry but not with Lieberman or Edwards. Lieberman was willing to run with Clark, but only if he were atop the ticket, not if it were the other way around. Kerry would run as vice president under Lieberman, but probably not under Edwards, and he wasn’t sure about Clark. Al Sharpton would only accept a ticket on which he ran for both offices simultaneously. Dean was considering running with …