OK, a show of hands: how many of you are so sick to death of the
word
”
carbs
”
that you are prepared to commit an act of violence on the next
person who says it in your hearing, even if that person is your
mom, your best friend, or the judge who has blessedly arranged to
get Martha Stewart out of our collective face for the next few
months.
OK, a show of hands: how many of you are so sick to death of the word “carbs” that you are prepared to commit an act of violence on the next person who says it in your hearing, even if that person is your mom, your best friend, or the judge who has blessedly arranged to get Martha Stewart out of our collective face for the next few months.
Carbs: can’t have too few. To hazard one’s way down the aisle of a supermarket these days is to be assaulted on all sides by merchandise, including cleaning supplies and Tupperware, shouting at us about their heroic success in jettisoning carbs from their constitution. Some have even changed their entire name, removing all clues from which we might deduce what the product is or what we’re supposed to do with it, in order to feature the magic “C” word – CarbSmart, CarbSensitive, CarbAllergic, CarbBanished, CarbEmbargo, on and on. Apparently the advertising industry has decided that in order to make an intelligent purchasing decision all we need to know about a commodity is the primary thing it doesn’t contain.
Yes, the ubiquitous Doctor Atkins has certainly risen to cult status not unlike that of J.R.R. Tolkien; in fact, there are those in the Church of Atkins who maintain that the “Lord of the Rings” was just a nutritional allegory, and that in fact the trilogy is about the painful struggle of Frodo and his noble compatriots to rid the world of the evil Carb of Power by casting it into the fires of Mount Baconfat, thereby saving Earth’s Middle. It’s a compelling theory.
I’m told that it even came up in the Presidential debate last Thursday. I missed it; I was all caught up in the finals of the Dubai National Backgammon Championship on ESPN2 and I couldn’t tear myself away, but apparently somewhere in his non-responsive meandering Dubya is reputed to have said, “Freedom is on the march, and I’m a leader. I lead when I’m leading and they hate us for our freedom. Freedom will not be denied, ring around the rosy, did I mention that I’m a leader, and Dick Cheney has just told me that Saddam had carbs, heaps and piles of carbs, which he was wishing he could think about planning to possibly sometime in the uncertain future use against us. In fact, we have found the blueprints for a huge chain of doughnut shops he was possibly maybe envisioning opening up in port cities around this great country to debilitate and destroy our freedom, perhaps some day, it could happen. So all you freedom-hating, carb-loving, doughnut-chugging terrorist sponsors, you can waddle but you can’t hide because I’m a leading leader. Now, what was the question?”
Is there nowhere safe? I heard a BMW commercial on TV the other night that proclaimed “Recapture the thrill of owning a truly high performance auto. BMW: the ultimate driving machine. Now with 20 percent fewer carbs.” And you know, it kinda made me want to buy one.
