On Tuesday an event took place that, had it failed, could have
altered the very fabric of our nation’s security. Yes, on Tuesday,
under heavy protection from security experts, KFC moved the recipe
for original recipe chicken.
On Tuesday an event took place that, had it failed, could have altered the very fabric of our nation’s security. Yes, on Tuesday, under heavy protection from security experts, KFC moved the recipe for original recipe chicken. Apparently, this valuable document is the only piece of paper on earth that contains the exact recipe for the combination of 11 herbs and spices consumed by gazillions of people all over the world. For the move, the recipe was placed inside a locked suitcase that was handcuffed to a security expert who was accompanied by off-duty police officers and transported by armored car to an undisclosed location.
That’s right. The secret to the 11 herbs and spices, handwritten by the colonel himself, was moved to a new secret location, while the old secret location got an overhaul. Presumably to keep it a secret location. But frankly, I don’t know, because apparently that’s a secret.
Now I have several
questions about this. First of all, really? Are they kidding? It’s a chicken recipe, people. Yes, the original recipe is quite delicious, but it’s not the codes for a global nuclear attack – or, honestly – the new chipotle chicken for that matter. Now is it just me or does someone else smell the familiar scent of publicity surrounding this whole event? And while we are on that subject, if it’s such a dang secret, why announce to the world that you are moving it? Call me crazy, but when I have a secret I don’t send out a press release about it. Wouldn’t it have been cheaper just to keep quiet about the move and send the recipe out in someone’s pocket?
My second question is the security. Please. A security team? And off-duty police officers? Why? I mean, wouldn’t a rent-a-cop from Security R Us do just as well? Is there really that much industrial espionage in the chicken business? Are Popeye’s and Chick Fil-A hiring former intelligence agents to infiltrate KFC headquarters and steal the mysterious 11 herbs and spices? Ooh, maybe it’s like “Mission Impossible” only with chicken costumes. You know, I’m not a big fan of Tom Cruise (really, scientology? Who believes that stuff? It’s called Science FICTION for a reason), but I would probably pay to see him dressed as a chicken while he steals the original recipe. In fact, I know I would pay to see that.
And here’s the most fascinating thing. Who knew there was a real Colonel Sanders? I didn’t. I thought he was made up, like the Hamburglar. Frankly, this information threw me for a loop. Next thing you know, people will be telling me that Ronald McDonald is a real cheeseburger-loving, Hamburglar-fighting clown. There’s no telling what kind of psychological damage that information could do. And for Pete’s sake, don’t tell me that the dancing soda I see on the street near Home Depot is real. I think I might have a nervous breakdown.
In any event, the recipe has been moved. The secret is safe. Which is a good thing, because company president Roger Eaton was quoted as saying, “I don’t want to be the president who loses the recipe. Imagine how terrifying that would be.” Really? That terrifying? I mean, with everything going on in the world today from hurricanes to Iraq to that guy in North Korea being suspiciously absent from some parade – and this dude is terrified that he might lose a chicken recipe? Hello? Ever heard of the copy machine? For a quarter, you can trek on down to Long’s and get a copy of it. Then you don’t have to worry about it.
Speaking of copies, Eaton does state that while some have claimed to have copies of the recipe, none have come close to duplicating it. In fact, he said that, “the actual recipe would include some surprises.” Really? Because honestly, that’s kind of frightening. When I go through the drive-thru I don’t want to be wondering about what surprises are lurking in my chicken. I want to just drive in with money and drive out with chicken smothered in 11 herbs and spices. No surprises. Unless it’s chipotle. I’m very fond of that.
But I was relived to know that on Tuesday, the world could rest easier. The chicken recipe was moved without incident. Colonel Sanders can rest in peace, knowing his herbs and spices are still a well-guarded secret.
