I loathe football. I hate it more than I hate golf
– which I believe to be the lamest excuse for a sport ever.
I loathe football. I hate it more than I hate golf – which I believe to be the lamest excuse for a sport ever. But because I have to live in a world where football is played, watched and worshiped, I’ve come to terms with football. And because I know that there are many people out there like me, I have put together a handy guide to surviving Super Bowl Sunday.
1. This is Super Bowl XLI. I believe that means Super Bowl 1 bazillion – or maybe that’s just how many beers most people drink during the game.
2. The two teams that won “the playoffs” play the Super Bowl. The teams playing this year are the team that has a “C” on their helmets and the team that has a horseshoe on their helmets. That’s all I know about either team. Oh, wait. I know that neither team is either the 49’s or the Raiders. Which means that everyone in South County has to root for the “C” team or the horseshoe guys, since our boys aren’t playing.
3. Football games consist of 4 quarters that last 15 minutes each. Do not be confused by this. It doesn’t mean that a football game only lasts an hour. Football games, on average, last approximately 12 days, 22 hours and 15 minutes. OK, fine. Maybe that is an exaggeration – but it certainly feels like they last that long. On Super Bowl Sunday, thanks to the large party of overgrown boys drinking vast quantities of beer while eating guacamole on your brand-new sofa, the game will seem much longer. It may even feel like it lasts the entire month of February. But take heart.After all, February is our shortest month.
4. This game is really a contest to see who gets the bigger ring. Yeah, I know. I really thought football players were a bunch of manly men who fought to win the highest honor in their sport. I mean, you’d think that the real prize for winning the Big Game would be something like 24-ounce steak dinners for life or endless supplies of whiskey or big shotguns that they take on safari with them.
But no. These guys are playing for jewelry. The team that wins gets the big rings. The team that loses still gets a ring – but it’s not as big. Which proves yet again, that men truly do believe it’s the size that counts.
5. Prince (or the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince) is the half-time entertainment. Now I don’t really have anything against Prince, but let’s face some facts. He’s a skinny little guy who wears more makeup than I do. A wardrobe malfunction from Prince isn’t going to be nearly as exciting as one from Janet Jackson.
On the other hand, Beyonce is going to be Prince’s special guest for the half-time entertainment. I don’t think Beyonce is the type to flash America her stars, but I’m positive that the beer drinking, nacho-scarfing men at your Super Bowl party will sit closer to the TV during half-time just in case.
6. Guacamole is the official dip of the Super Bowl. OK, it’s not really. But Super Bowl Sunday is second only to Cinco de Mayo in terms of guacamole consumption. And here’s another handy fact for you: avocado stains are nearly impossible to remove from your carpet, your couch or your husband’s favorite shirt. I speak from experience.
7. If you are giving a party, you will need lots and lots of beer. I think that this is because when you drink vast quantities of beer while watching football, it makes the game seem like it’s fun and entertaining. But that’s just my opinion.
8. It’s only a myth that the sewage systems of major cities is at risk during half-time – but just in case, if you are having a large party, I highly recommend renting some porta-potties. Remember. You are having a party for the Super Bowl. Large quantities of beer and soda will be consumed. Your roses will not respond well to that type of watering, if you get my drift. Unless you have a house with 10 bathrooms, a green cube in the backyard is the way to go. Literally.
Other than that, enjoy the game. And if you can’t enjoy the game, do what I do. Enjoy a day at the mall. No beer. No porta-potties. No guacamole stains. Just several hours of shopping bliss.
