At this moment, millions of Americans are staring at office pool
Academy Awards ballot boxes while thinking,
”
I haven’t seen these movies.
”
At this moment, millions of Americans are staring at office pool Academy Awards ballot boxes while thinking, “I haven’t seen these movies.”
Except for the penguin movie. Everyone has seen the marching penguins. And you can’t blame people for wanting to vote for penguins because the small beaked creatures are the only film characters on the ballot who weren’t challenged by sexual identity, terrorists, pills, racism or lip synching.
And the mega-plex hits of the year, “Saw VI” and “Mama’s House III,” aren’t up for anything. Anna Nicole Smith isn’t up for anything.
No matter. Don’t panic. I’m here to help. My guidance and shocking powers of intuition will bring you whatever prize the technically illegal office pool offers.
Using only the latest scientific methods and my personal warehouse of film knowledge, I will now choose the winners and share this information with Americans everywhere.
Please be assured that I will not make jokes about “Brokeback Mountain.” None. It is a very serious film. There is nothing funny about it. A couple of penguins here and there, however, might have lightened things up a bit. Penguins might have helped out “Capote” and “Crash,” too, but let’s move on.
Here are some guaranteed Oscar winners on Sunday night:
– Longest movie: I have relatives who started watching “King Kong” in December and are still in the theater. We send a pizza in every third day. Rumors are flying that director Peter Jackson’s next movie will be a remake of “Brokeback Mountain” that will feature real estate brokers instead of cowboys. The scene will move to Danville or Livermore.
– Visual effects: Get this – “The Squid and the Whale” doesn’t actually have squids or whales! Instead, it has divorcing parents! Talk about saving some studio dollars.
– Best disappearing act: Was there a “Star Wars” movie this year? Who can remember? Talk about a snub. George Lucas is rumored to be so hurt he will start making independent films with actual humans. Something about monkeys who become gay cowboys.
– Biggest sigh of relief: ABC gives thanks every day that “American Idol” isn’t airing at the same time as the Oscars. “Idol” crushes anything in its way. The Winter Olympics will no longer take place because its self-esteem was so destroyed by “Idol.”
– Lifetime Achievement Award: Martin Lawrence will be recognized for starring in comedies that are dismantled by critics but seen by billions of cineplex movie-goers. In an attempt to achieve validity for white critics, Lawrence reportedly will play George Clooney in something called “Big Mama’s ER.”
– Best potential riot: Should the Enron movie or “Murderball” beat “March of the Penguins” for best documentary feature, public reaction will make anything Dick Cheney has done with a firearm look like an episode of “Teletubbies.” I wouldn’t mess with those penguins.
– Most frightening development: Reportedly, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon will star in a remake of “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.” Honest. I didn’t make that one up. This is a bad idea. Maybe Peter Jackson can direct and put some monkeys into the script.
– Best foreign language film: “Capote.” I think this was made on Mars. Could you understand anything the guy said? Me neither.
Well, that’s enough. Armed with this knowledge, you are now prepared to dominate the technically illegal office Oscars pool. Good luck, you’re a lock. And remember, if you’re flying from San Francisco to Russia and the in-flight movie is “King Kong,” you still won’t know the ending by the time you reach Moscow.
