Tomorrow night is the 78th Annual Academy Awards, and you know
what that means: bad fashion. I’m no fashion diva. And I won’t make
it into the Fashion Hall of Fame unless I’m nominated in the
”
moms who dress really fast in the dark and just grab whatever is
clean
”
category. But I love the Oscars for one thing, and that’s the
fashion.
Tomorrow night is the 78th Annual Academy Awards, and you know what that means: bad fashion. I’m no fashion diva. And I won’t make it into the Fashion Hall of Fame unless I’m nominated in the “moms who dress really fast in the dark and just grab whatever is clean” category. But I love the Oscars for one thing, and that’s the fashion.
Sure, I know it’s really supposed to be about the movies. But truthfully, how many people reading this actually know what films are nominated? And even if you do know all the films nominated – even the foreign ones – have you seen them all? OK, fine. Even if you have, I haven’t – and I’m not afraid to admit it.
In fact, I’ll be honest with you. I’m not watching the Oscars to see if Heath Ledger and Jake What’s-his-name win for “Brokeback Mountain.” Heck, I don’t even know if either of them is nominated. That’s because I’m not watching to see who wins; I’m watching to see if Bjork shows up in a dress made entirely of live ducks, quacking their way through the ceremony.
So, to help you through tomorrow’s event, I’ve compiled a handy list of what you can – and can’t – expect to see your favorite stars wearing at the Oscars.
1. At least one attention-starved starlet will wear a completely see-through dress to the Academy Awards. She will be much photographed. Unfortunately, thanks to censors, most people watching will wonder why on earth she chose to wear a dress that was covered in fuzzy, out of focus and/or digitized fabric.
2. Not one actor will show up in a see-through tuxedo. I believe this is discrimination, but what can you do?
3. You will see more cleavage on Oscar night than you would by sitting all day in the mother’s nursing station at Nordstrom. And all of it will be super-sized.
4. No man will show up without a shirt. This is unfortunate, because frankly, after all that cleavage, seeing a few pecs would be nice.
5. A full one-quarter of the actresses attending tomorrow’s ceremony will wear something with feathers that are hot-glued to it. Ornithologists have studied this trend and determined that feather-wearing actresses are the sole cause for a strange reverse bird migration that occurs this time of year. Instead of heading into California for spring, birds wait until after the Oscars to show up in Hollywood.
6. One unfortunate actress will take the feather requirement too seriously and show up dressed like Big Bird’s cousin. Across the country, people will wait with bated breath to see if she takes off flying during the show.
7. At least 10 percent of the women attending this year’s ceremony will wear long, black opera gloves, and nobody will know why. Did these women all miss their manicurist’s appointment? Do they have ugly man-hands? Do they think that wearing big, black gloves is attractive? Are they trying to cover up their humiliation because they didn’t get to borrow bazillions of dollars in jewels to adorn their hands? It’s a mystery.
8. Roughly 5 percent of the men attending will wear powder-blue tuxedos that make them look like they just
stepped out of a bad ’70s disco. It will cause viewers to shield their children’s eyes just in case you really can go blind from staring too long at relics from the leisure-suit era.
9. Some men will shun the colored tuxedos and instead opt for either a hat-and-cane combo or a shirt in such a bright color that each time they show up on screen, America will have to put on sunglasses.
10. One female singer will appear in at least four different gowns complete with different hairstyles, shoes and manicures. And nobody will know how she does it. Are the outfits made with Velcro breakaways? Does she wear wigs and Lee Press-On Nails? Is she a clone?
So, there you have them – my list of things to see or not see at the Oscars. Happy viewing, and remember: If you really do watch for the movies, you’re missing the very best part of the show.
