I have no willpower. I cannot avoid Snickers. I cannot avoid
Hershey’s. Heck, I can’t even avoid that icky, unsweetened
chocolate used in baking.
I have no willpower. I cannot avoid Snickers. I cannot avoid Hershey’s. Heck, I can’t even avoid that icky, unsweetened chocolate used in baking.

Because I don’t have any willpower.

It’s true. I read it in a magazine. Some diet guru actually came right out and said “American women have no willpower.” According to the guru, if I had willpower, I’d be the size of a super model. And I’d never eat chocolate – especially not the icky, unsweetened kind (which I only eat when I’m desperate, in case you were wondering).

But then I thought about it. And I decided that the diet guru is an idiot.

You see, I have tons of willpower. And do you know how I get this unlimited willpower? By eating chocolate, of course. Yes, that very same chocolate that I am supposed to resist is actually helping me get through the day. It’s like a miracle drug – and probably just as addictive. But I don’t care.

Sure, I know there are side effects. Do you think I haven’t noticed that my butt is not the size of Heather Locklear’s? And let’s not even discuss bathing suits – yikes! But, despite those little drawbacks, I think the benefits of chocolate are vastly unappreciated.

For example, my day starts at 7 a.m. when I roll my son out of bed. I spend the next 45 minutes saying over and over “brush your teeth this instant.” A chocolate-free woman would be ripping out her hair by the time Junior left for school. Not me. You see, I can remain calm – because I have willpower. I ate a couple of Hershey’s kisses while packing Junior’s lunch.

After that, I go to the gym. I can get through the workout – because I have willpower. I ate a miniature Snickers in the car.

And the grocery store? Not a problem. I can whip through there, avoid the ice cream and candy aisle and still stick to my budget – because I had a mocha latte before I got there.

Next, I use my willpower – in the form of M&Ms – and clean the house. And that includes Junior’s toilet. Let’s just say that aiming isn’t his best talent.

After that, I go Christmas shopping at the outlets. A quick trip to the willpower – I mean, chocolate – vending machine and I can buy stuff for family and friends without succumbing to temptation and buying that really cute sweater in the J. Crew window.

And thanks to the power of chocolate, I can even resist eating a double bacon cheeseburger for lunch. Okay, I can’t resist the fries, but I did use my willpower again to resist the shakes – even the chocolate ones.

And once Junior gets home, I use my willpower to explain patiently that homework needs to be completed before he can play outside. And I use my willpower to tell Junior that November days are not good for swimming. I’m even fairly patient when he comes out of his room dressed in his wetsuit. After popping a mini Kit-Kat, I’m able to convince him that even his wetsuit won’t protect him in a 57-degree pool.

And I am able to use my willpower when it comes time for Junior to take a shower. Because of my high chocolate consumption, I don’t scream “Why is that you would swim in freezing water but won’t take a warm shower without threat of losing your Game Boy for a day?”

So you see, when it comes right down to it, I have plenty of willpower. It just needs some assistance from good, old-fashioned chocolate.

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