New products come along all the time that make me realize I have
no clue how to be a real man. I have a truck, but it isn’t big
enough. I chew on jerky now and then, but it’s rough on my teeth.
Too many double-patty, fast-food burgers dripping with fat will
cement my arteries together.
New products come along all the time that make me realize I have no clue how to be a real man. I have a truck, but it isn’t big enough. I chew on jerky now and then, but it’s rough on my teeth. Too many double-patty, fast-food burgers dripping with fat will cement my arteries together.
Now there’s body spray. I should be using it. I should be coating my body like it’s a crop being sprayed by a helicopter. Then I might make the upgrade from Guy to Real Man.
I know real men spray their bodies because I see it on television. In the commercials, the male models spray themselves and head out into the world where thin, beautiful young women are unable to control themselves and have no choice but to grope them.
I worry that if a middle-aged guy like me tries the same, he’ll get attacked by insects or chased by cats. I’m thinking that the body spray makers are aiming their advertising at, like, high school freshmen. Or men that miss disco and don’t know it has come back four or five times.
The body sprays have “real men”-type names. Like Axe. You won’t find any men’s body spray with the brand name Nylon, Lavender or Phyllis. The guys who use the stuff on television are so good looking, assured and muscled that you wonder why they would spray gunk on themselves at all. What’s the point of looking so good if you’re just going to douse yourself with goo that smells like DEET?
In the Axe commercial, a dweeb-dude applies the elixir to himself in a trail that leads to his private area. A beautiful woman then gets into his car and follows the trail. It makes me cringe. It’s like a bad comedy on cable TV.
This concerns me. I want to be a Real Man, but do I have to smell like insect repellent? Do I have to spray my crotch?
Another worry is the whole cologne-aftershave factor. I’ve never been a cologne guy. When a cologne guy walks past, I am temporarily stunned, then I want to ask what he’s trying to achieve. But because most cologne guys look like they are members of the mafia, I let it go.
And what happens when some guy mixes his smells? It’s going to happen. A guy will start out with a few shots of Musk for Men around the neck, and later in the day he’ll get a little too liberal on the body spray. This could create a public health situation. He might walk into a Rotary Club meeting and take out half the crowd.
Maybe body spray should come with warning labels. They could say, “Don’t use with other male scent products,” “Don’t spray and operate heavy machinery,” or “Second-hand spray may harm pregnant women.” Public service announcements might be a good idea.
And speaking of women, I decided to ask some what they think of the Axe culture. It just so happens that I am surrounded by beautiful, intelligent young women at work. So, I took the opportunity to ask if they are attracted to guys who spray.
“I feel the same way about that as I do about cologne and aftershave,” said one. “Stay away.”
Thinking that this person might be an extremist, I tried someone else.
“If people are buying it after seeing those commercials, then I need to take them aside and say, ‘It’s not like that,'” she said. “I would purposely not buy that product.”
These young women seem to like men. At least sometimes. It was helpful for me to hear that women are attracted to things other than manufactured smells.
Anything helps. It’s not easy being a Real Man in the age of advertising. There’s always some new thing we’re lacking. Call me a wuss, but I’m drawing the line at spraying my private area with something called Axe.
