Today’s column is being taken over by my friend, Eldred the
Slightly Sarcastic Elf. He has graciously agreed to answer some of
the most popular questions about Santa, elves and the North Pole so
that I can finish all my pre-Christmas chores.
Today’s column is being taken over by my friend, Eldred the Slightly Sarcastic Elf. He has graciously agreed to answer some of the most popular questions about Santa, elves and the North Pole so that I can finish all my pre-Christmas chores.
1. How does Santa go around the world in one night?
This is the most asked question we get here at the North Pole. Santa actually does this by a complex method we like to call “none of your business.” Look, if Santa’s little secret got out, the competition for Christmas would be exponential. That’s a long word that means “a big box store would send some guy around in a sleigh on Christmas giving out mass-produced toys to all the kids, knocking Santa completely out of the Christmas game and forcing us elves to go into service for the tooth fairy, who frankly is not nearly as nice as kids think she is.” So stop asking the question. It’s magic. You can’t do it. Only Santa can.
2. How old is Santa?
I cannot answer this question. Mrs. Claus, who is about the same age as Santa, has decreed that any elf that answers this question will be banished to live on the Island of Lost Toys, which is not a fun place. So, let’s just say he’s older than your mom and dad, and leave it at that, OK? And before you ask, it’s not Botox that keeps Mrs. Claus looking so youthful; it’s her healthy lifestyle that has kept her wrinkle-free for many, many years. Maybe hundreds of years, not that I’m officially acknowledging an age for Santa at all.
3. How does Santa get down the chimney?
He falls. Seriously. Oh, sure everyone thinks Santa slides down the chimney, but let’s be real. Have you seen that guy? He’s not a slider. Athletes are sliders. And Santa is definitely not an athlete. He’s a faller. He just leans into a chimney and poof! Down he goes, tumbling all the way. There’s no grace, no finesse. He falls.
4. What happens if there is a fire burning when Santa goes down the chimney?
He falls and then gets his buns toasted. Don’t worry. That’s actually a good thing when he’s making deliveries in Iceland.
5. How does Santa get back up the chimney?
Haven’t you read “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas?” For Pete’s sake, he lays a finger aside his nose and rises up the chimney. It’s called magic. You don’t have magic. So you can’t use this method to escape the house when you’re grounded. Find another way to do it.
6. How does Santa know if I’ve been naughty or nice?
Well, the first hint is that you asked that question. Pretty much, the nice kids don’t ask, they don’t need to. But you naughty guys always get worried just before Christmas. Suffice to say, Santa knows. He keeps lists. And you’re probably on the naughty one.
7. How do I become an elf? You seem so cool.
Oh, please. Stop trying to get off the naughty list by kissing my fanny. Although, I admit I am the coolest elf in the N.P. (That’s what we cool elves call the North Pole.)
8. Where are the naughty and nice lists kept?
Enough with the naughty and nice lists. You can’t hack into them and change them. There is no access by anyone other than the elves in the NNSN (the Naughty/Nice Spy Network) and Santa himself.
9. Is Santa lactose intolerant?
You’re kidding, right? If you’re that worried, leave him brandy.
10. How do reindeer fly?
Red Bull. It gives them wings.
Hey, I’m done. Time for me to head back to the N.P. and get some toys made. Even cool, slightly sarcastic elves have quotas to meet, you know. And by the way, I think one of Laurie’s chores was to make cookies, so all the firefighters in Gilroy should be on high alert. That woman is dangerous around an oven.
