I don’t know about you, but I’m glad we’re finally getting this
war thing into happening mode.
I don’t know about you, but I’m glad we’re finally getting this war thing into happening mode. I mean, let’s get on with the shooting and bombing and firing missiles and stuff – I can’t wait to see the cool pictures of things blowing up, just like in the really superior video games they have for Playstation 2.
Sure, it’ll probably set off a wave of terrorist attacks here and there, but Donnie Rumsfeld will employ his terrific Alice-In-Wonderland logic (“the fact that no weapons have been found proves that they’re there because if they weren’t there the inspectors would have found them”) to show that causing terrorist attacks justifies waging war to prevent them from happening. “See?” he’ll say. “This heinous assault on innocent people is proof that we needed to attack Iraq because if we didn’t this is exactly the kind of thing that could happen some time.”
And of course, leaving aside all the inevitable combat casualties, it will take a couple of generations to restore any American credibility in the Muslim world, but who needs them? I mean, except for all that oil our SUVs depend on, who cares what they think? Well, that and all the terrorist groups whose recruitment will suddenly skyrocket, but since we got this spiffy new Department of Homeland Security, no worries.
And well, truth be told, speaking of terrorists, war with Iraq won’t do the slightest diddly about al-Qaida, which is the war we were already fighting, but hey, we haven’t seen any good video from Afghanistan in months, and with the ratings in the dumper I wouldn’t be surprised if that show got canceled.
Some people would probably say the hit to the economy from the price tag of the war would be a bad thing, but come on, this is the federal government here – they print the money, they can just print more. I mean, how much does paper cost?
No, what makes me glad Our Leader is gonna lead us into a first-strike is that we will finally get to stop hearing administration spokesmen repeating the phrase “time is running out” over and over again. That has gotten, like, soooo irritating. I can just imagine the morning White House briefing:
BUSH: OK, first order of business, as always: who’s gonna go on camera and say “time is running out” today?
ARI FLEISCHER (checking his notes): Not me, boss, I said it yesterday, five days ago, and nine days ago. I don’t have to say it for three more days.
RUMSFELD: Can’t be me – I only say it Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays.
BUSH: Well, somebody has to say it today – you all know the drill – and I’ve switched mantras to “the game is over.” Looks like it’s you again, Colin.
POWELL (whining): Awww, no, not me again – I always have to say it. I’ve said it 11 times already; I sound like a stuck record. It’s embarrassing. Can’t I say “lies and deceit” a few more times instead, just to clear my throat?
BUSH: Well, if nobody’s gonna say “time is running out” then we have no choice: we’ll just have to start the war. Otherwise we’ll lose our credibility; people will think we’re soft and weak and irrelevant, like the United Nations. Gotta move quickly; time is running out. Wait – did you hear me there? I just said it; Ari, quick, go tell the press I said “time is running out.” All right, we’re good for another day, and tomorrow, Colin, it’s your turn and no excuses.
I say damn the torpedoes; full speed ahead.
Robert Mitchell practices law in Morgan Hill. His column has appeared in The Dispatch for more than 20 years. It’s published every Tuesday.
