OK, so the President’s Grand Adventure in Iraq has been formally
off the front burner for what, three months now, or is it four?
OK, so the President’s Grand Adventure in Iraq has been formally off the front burner for what, three months now, or is it four? Now we’re just down to the daily random/organized killing of our soldiers by resistance fighters/escaped criminals/desperate party loyalists on behalf of nobody/themselves/Saddam, who is dead/alive/neither and on the run/in charge somewhere in Iraq/Syria/France. We’ll have it all/mostly/somewhat sorted out in 3 months/5 years, allowing us to bring all/most/ a few of our troops home and turn the country over to the Shiites/Sunnis/Kurds to administer as a democracy/theocracy/anarchy as our Top Gun Chief Executive has envisioned/guessed at/hallucinated.
At least we can rest easy knowing the administration is telling it like it is/could possibly be/wishes it were. As we all know, the heart and soul of open government is a voting public that is well-informed/systematically mislead/adequately entertained.
There is still the minor but nagging problem of the weapons of mass destruction which remain maddeningly lacking in form or substance, but it turns out we don’t really care which particular pre-war bill of goods we were sold; whatever Dubya says is fine with us. So I suggest we pull all those troops presently wasting their time looking for irrelevant WMDs off the job, and set them to looking for something I suspect we all care about much more. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you; of course you do.
Tomatoes. Real, genuine tomatoes. The kind that are red, the kind that are edible, the kind that have actual flavor, that remind you of, well, tomatoes.
Somehow in this vast, wealthy, technologically advanced, highly sophisticated land of ours, tomatoes have gone missing. I don’t mean scarce or expensive, I mean gone. John Ashcroft can’t put them under surveillance; satellite photos can’t reveal them; highly-bribed informants aren’t turning them in. In what must be one of the all-time dastardly schemes to weaken and sap the morale of this great country, all our noble, juicy, red-as-the-stripes-on-our-sacred-flag tomatoes have been replaced with despicable, coral-colored, consistency-of-a-Styrofoam-cup, more-tasteless-than-a-Tom-Green-movie abominations designed to drain the life out of our salads and burgers.
Oh yes, supposedly they have to pick tomatoes a little on the green side so they can survive riding in those big produce trucks without getting all smushed – poppycock. The process is out of control; now the little demons can survive getting RUN OVER by the big produce trucks. And the color: they don’t even try to be red any more; instead they’re this ghastly unnatural orange-pink that might look good in a lipstick but certainly not in a crab Louie. The so-called “vine-ripened” product is just as bad. Even when you go into a snooty restaurant and pay like 13 bucks for a salad you get wedges of pinkish packing material masquerading as a tomato. It’s a scandal.
So I say, Stand Up, America! Let’s have the Army find us some real tomatoes! Damn it, we’re the mighty U.S. of A. – if we can dominate the world we deserve decent tomatoes! Enough excuses from the growers, the packers, and the shippers – we won’t tolerate the proliferation of Weapons of Meal Destruction!
Come on, George, lead us to our next victory. Call it Operation Honest Vegetable. Maybe you can land an F-16 on the loading dock of a Safeway; it’ll make a nice photo opp.
