I think someone should invent a guy dictionary. Yeah, I know
most men complain about not knowing what a woman is really telling
them, but men have issues with communication too.
I think someone should invent a guy dictionary. Yeah, I know most men complain about not knowing what a woman is really telling them, but men have issues with communication too. I swear if I had $1 for every time Harry said something but meant something else … well, I’d be out shopping with all those dollars. And I would have a mighty fine shoe selection. Unfortunately, I only have a fine shoe selection, not a mighty fine one. But in an effort to bring peace to households across the country, I have made a list of the most common translations for “guy speak.”
1. You look fine.
Translation: “Please God, don’t let her ask if those jeans make her look fat. Because I’m afraid that one day I will let my guard down and say, ‘Yes, those jeans make you look like your butt is the size of Montana, Big Sky Country.’ I know she will kill me right then and there with the death ray vision that she uses on the kids.”
2. I reinvested our tax return.
Translation: “I bought the first round last night.” If your guy doesn’t drink, then this generally means, “Look at all the cool stuff I got at Tractor Supply.”
3. I bought this for the whole family to enjoy.
Translation: “Look at my new Harley.” When your guy says this, run, don’t walk to the garage. And after you see his shiny new “family vehicle,” I suggest you either a) sell it on Craigslist; or b) accept that once something has been placed into the garage, it can never leave. And using that logic, buy yourself something nice in a two-seater.
4. If you die, I won’t remarry.
Translation: “I’m going to marry the first woman stupid enough to have me.” Let’s be honest here, if your husband is anything like mine he will have to remarry. Otherwise he will go bankrupt buying new underwear and socks every day because the man has no clue where the laundry room is or how to use those newfangled washing machines.
5. Honey, take the day and go shopping. Here’s my credit card.
Translation: “I’m crazy.” Alternate translation: “I’m having a passionate affair.” Either way, shop ’til you drop before you find a lawyer. No sense in wasting a perfectly good credit limit.
6. Don’t worry about it. Baby weight is the hardest weight to lose.
Translation: “Good Lord woman! Is that a Big Mac in your purse or you just happy to see me?”
7. No I don’t mind if you change the channel, it’s just a repeat. And you know how I love watching decorating shows with you.
Translation: “There had better be something in this for me, because I don’t care if orange is an acceptable color for throw pillows. I was watching ‘Law & Order’ for crying out loud. Now I’ll never know if the murderer was guilty or not. I know I’ve seen it 72 times before, but I can’t keep track of every episode. And I think this is one of the good ones where Jesse L. Martin says something sardonic somewhere near the middle and I’ve missed the best part because you want to watch some decorating show. And that means that you’re going to want to redecorate which also means you’ll spend money and add to my honey-do list.”
8. Let’s go away on a romantic weekend.
Translation: “My favorite hardware store 100 miles from here is having a great sale on tools and I want to stock up. You can come with me if you want.”
9. Let’s talk about your day.
Translation: “I got fired.”
10. Tell me how you’re feeling right now.
I’m just kidding. Guys never say this.
