When my daughter entered middle school this fall I was ready for
a lot of things: more homework, trendier clothes, school dances.
But what I wasn’t prepared for was all of the RULES.
When my daughter entered middle school this fall I was ready for a lot of things: more homework, trendier clothes, school dances. But what I wasn’t prepared for was all of the RULES.
And, as any parent of a preteen will tell you, I don’t mean rules like, say, “Cross the street at the corner” or “Don’t chew gum at school.” I mean the other ones. The kind that preteens all over the world top-secretly created when you thought they were on the internet researching the Great Pyramids of Egypt for social studies homework.
Yes, I’m talking about the Middle Schooler’s Rules of Parental Behavior.
Now, you are probably thinking that I’m exaggerating and that there is no such thing. And, granted, no one has ever seen an actual signed document, but my theory is that that’s only because the list is so long that no one has ever tried printing the whole thing out.
In fact, kids in middle school have very specific rules and regulations on parental behavior. The top five are:
1. Do not interact with anyone, especially your child. This includes talking, making eye contact and waving.
2. Never, ever, look like you’re picking your child up from school. Act as if you just happen to be driving through the neighborhood at the exact same time your child gets out of school – as if the whole thing is a big coincidence.
3. When dropping off your middle schooler, do not say things like, “I love you,” or “Have a good day” or anything else that might infer that they are, in fact, a child and not a 30-year-old divorcee.
4. Do not try to pass yourself off as your middle schooler’s older sister. This never fools anyone.
5. Never, under any circumstance, chaperone a dance.
And then there are other, more subtle things to consider. Like, for instance, can you say “good-bye” as long as you don’t make eye contact? When is it safe to turn the car radio back on? Is it OK to wear Birkenstocks with your denim skirt? What about hats? And on and on.
Clearly there are too many rules for any parent to remember. But don’t worry, your child will be there to remind you.
And, really, this turn of events is no big surprise. Like Fleetwood Mac reunion tours and varicose veins, it was bound to happen some day. The big shocker is that it happened so soon.
I mean, there I was innocently driving my daughter to school, happily singing along to ’80s songs on the radio when all of a sudden – Whamo! I became embarrassing.
But at least I’m in good company. The other day, while I was waiting to pick up my daughter from her first dance, I saw a nervous looking woman standing next to her minivan.
So I walked over and we began talk.
After a few minutes she glanced furtively over her shoulder and said, “I’m really not supposed to get out of the car, but it was so hot in there I couldn’t stand it any longer.”
I nodded knowingly.
Then we launched into a lively discussion about preteen girls and how there is no justice in the middle-school world, and about how the very same people who used to shove peas up their nose and wear pink tutus to the grocery store could possibly be embarrassed by either of us.
We exchanged phone numbers and promised to keep in touch. Then we skulked back to our cars before our daughters approached.
It was a small victory, but a victory nonetheless.
