Summer was once a big adventure, free days to run and play in
the great outdoors. No worries and no homework! But before we
uncover the grill, buy new water toys and plan events, stepparents
must dig out the visitation schedule and see what part of the
summer is scheduled for them.
Summer was once a big adventure, free days to run and play in the great outdoors. No worries and no homework! But before we uncover the grill, buy new water toys and plan events, stepparents must dig out the visitation schedule and see what part of the summer is scheduled for them.
Many questions arise. “Is this our Fourth of July or yours?” “Is every other weekend still included in summer schedule?” “How can we plan a real vacation in between weekend visitations?”
Summer vacation is now just days away, and while my friends have already planned their summers, I’m attempting to coordinate mine with other household schedules.
Summer schedule in a blended household is basically half of summer, in pieces. It takes a crafty mom to plan things so no one gets left out. Unfortunately, completely including each child in everything that is planned is impossible. There will be things that we do, minus one or two kids.
When we talk about memories of things we did all summer, it pains me a little to think of reminiscing of fun times and activities that exclude kids. And I don’t think it’s fair to the ones that are here to request that we don’t talk about our happy summer memories because they don’t include the others. The young ones don’t understand why we did things without them, and it’s difficult to explain.
The next thing to think about is what I call “good time daddy (or mommy) syndrome.” This is not a relaxing, carefree or fun thing to think about. I already know that between the barbecues and pool parties, when my kids intermittently come home, they will be different. And it’s not the “I’ve grown 2 inches and can swim all the way across the pool underwater now” different. They will be “good time daddy syndrome” different.
Those of you who send your children off to visitation know exactly what I’m talking about. This is when your kids come back home from visitation with an “attitude” and have forgotten all about manners, respect and proper table etiquette.
When my daughter was little, she would go visit her father for an occasional weekend and come home a totally different child. On the night she would come home, she would throw up all of the soda, candy, cake and junk she ate all weekend, usually at about 2am. I would spend two weeks correcting her behavior and getting her back to “normal,” just to send her back to start the process all over again. This is a typical weekend visitation issue.
If you think this “every other weekend” thing sounds challenging, just try to imagine how the kids might act when they return home after two or three weeks with no discipline, no set bedtime and no rules. Speaking from personal experience, the “good time daddy” doesn’t enforce rules in fear of creating an environment that is unappealing to the child, who might then cry to go home. In my mind, this is buying the child’s affection, and if the custodial parent is respectful of the relationship between the child and his or her other parent, this method of buying affection is totally unnecessary.
I am preparing myself by knowing in advance that there will be unpleasant changes in each child. I will be ready for argumentative behavior. I will calmly remind those who have discovered new words that we don’t say those things, and I will dig deep for the strength to explain why we don’t run across the back of the couch, stand on the dining room table, sing along to songs with lewd lyrics or skateboard in this house.
The good news is that the kids will have a very full summer with lots of activities and stories to tell. There is always the possibility of duplicate events, and hopefully there won’t be any that follow each other too closely so we can avoid the play-by-play of how they already did that with someone else and which experience was “better.”
I wish I had a solution for this situation. All I have to share with you is my own goal, which is getting all three kids back one week before summer ends for re-programming before school starts. And somewhere in between, I’d like some barbecue chicken and a blended margarita for my own personal “good time mommy” time.
Lydia Eden-Irwin and her husband were both raised in Gilroy. They have three kids collectively and have spent the past four years meeting the challenges of blending two broken households into one great family. Lydia can be reached at ed*****@*ol.com.
