I’m not a big fan of video games. In fact, I’m one of those moms
who is always saying,
”
When I was your age, we went outside to play Spiderman. We
didn’t sit on the couch and play it.
”
I’m not a big fan of video games. In fact, I’m one of those moms who is always saying, “When I was your age, we went outside to play Spiderman. We didn’t sit on the couch and play it.” And I resisted getting Junior a gaming console – I even made him buy it himself. And I made him spend his money on games.
But the real reason I hate video games is that I stink at them. Seriously. I think I was born with defective opposable thumbs. My thumbs don’t just leap around the game controller, clicking just the right button at just the right time to make Spidey spin a web and trap a villain. My thumbs just kind of wiggle around forlornly, never even finding a darned button to press.
And speaking of buttons, there are about a bazillion on the controller and each one performs a different function. I’m convinced that the person who invented video game controllers has about 50 thumbs on each hand. He was probably teased about it relentlessly as a child and this is his revenge. A bazillion buttons and each one is designed to make me crazy.
And if that wasn’t bad enough, there’s no video game standard for the darned buttons. So button X on one game may make your character jump, but on another game it may make your character sit down and cry. Seriously. Don’t the game designers understand that I’m working with a serious thumb defect? Not to mention a memory defect. And don’t even get me started on the stupid games that require you to use different combinations of buttons pressed at the same time.
So you can see I’m not a gamer. On the rare occasions when I have picked up a controller, I mainly stare at it, willing it to tell me just exactly what will happen when I press the left button and the Y button at the same time. And usually my character explodes when I do that.
And then Junior got a Wii. And I became a Wii mom. Actually, because I finally created a Mii – a character that tracks your Wii progress – I’m a Mom-Mii.
Look, I don’t want to shill too much for the Wii, but the games make you get up off the couch. I bowl, for Pete’s sake. I never bowl. I’m too embarrassed to go with Junior and Harry to Gilroy Bowl for an afternoon because it’s humiliating. I’m a grown woman and I still need those bumper things. I’m a serious danger to anyone around me. I have dropped bowling balls on my feet, on Harry’s feet and once on a poor, innocent, bystander’s foot. To say I stink at bowling is actually an understatement.
But when I Wii Bowl, I’m a superstar. I don’t need no stinking bumpers. I even got a Turkey. I didn’t even know what a Turkey was – heck, in real life, I’ve never even gotten a strike, let alone three strikes in a row.
And golf – oh my goodness. Let’s just say I’ve never golfed in a place that didn’t have windmills. And you get a workout, too. You have to swing the controller, just like you would a golf club – only the controller is securely attached to your wrist, unlike a club. Or at least unlike any club I’ve ever used to smack a golf ball. Or Harry’s legs. Hey, is it my fault he stands so close?
I even play tennis. Seriously. I’m the Maria What’s-her-name of the Wii console. Now, in real life, I’ve come close to putting out my own eye with a racket. But on the Wii? I just swing that controller and boom! I’m playing tennis, baby. Can you say Wimbledon? Because I am so there.
And the best part is, there’s only one button to press. That’s right. I swing. I press “A.” And I’m playing a game. How cool is that? Well, I’ll tell you how cool – it’s so cool my 86-year old grandma has played the Wii.
That’s right. Junior brought his Wii when we went to see her. One night, Junior and I went out to pick up some dinner and when we got back, there was Grandma, bowling with Harry on the Wii. And kicking his butt, I might add. She’s quite the bowler, my grandma.
And before you ask, yes, she has a Mii too. A Gram-Mii. We’re just one big, happy gamer family. Non-functioning opposable thumbs and all.
