It’s nearly summer. And moms all over Gilroy are running around
trying to do one thing
– put their children in summer camp.
It’s nearly summer. And moms all over Gilroy are running around trying to do one thing – put their children in summer camp. Now, they have summer camps for practically everything. There are science camps, rocket camps, sports camps, horse camps, Barbie hair styling camps – the list could go on forever. But none of these camps are practical.
I mean, sure, I could send Junior to Space Camp, but the truth is I don’t think the next Buzz Aldrin is sitting in the family room playing on his Game Boy. I prefer camps that teach children useful skills. Camps like these:
Make Your Own Bed Camp
This exciting one-week camp introduces children to the wonderful world of bed making. Classes include “Comforters: The Easiest Way to Make a Bed,” its companion class “Tucking In: Tips and Tricks,” along with basic classes like “Clean Sheets Make for Happy Campers” and the ever popular “Hospital Corners: They Aren’t Just for Sick People.” Camp Make-a-Bed guarantees that your child will emerge from her stay rested, refreshed and ready to make her bed – and yours – for nine months, or until next summer, whichever comes first.
Laundry Camp
This camp takes your child through the entire laundry experience. Your child will be able to smear her shirt in dirt, and then remove it using the latest advances in laundry technology. We feature classes such as “Ketchup 101 – Get the Red Out,” “Woo-Hoo – Get the Grass off Your Shirt, Too” and “Sorting: Underwear Shouldn’t be Pink.” At the end of your child’s stay at Camp We-Be-Clean, he will receive his very own, heirloom quality, stain-remover kit.
No Means No Camp
After this two-week series of classes, lectures and tests, your child will emerge able to understand the meaning of the word “no.” Never again will you scream across the playground “which part of no didn’t you understand?” Classes in this very popular summer camp include “Because I’m the Mom/Dad, That’s Why” and “No is Not Another Word for Yes.” Camp Never-Say-Maybe fills up quickly, so reserve space for your child today.
Pet Care Camp
In this camp, your budding veterinarian learns all about the responsibilities of caring for animals. No more will you cave into your child’s pleas for a pet, only to find that you are the one feeding it, bathing it and cleaning up its accidents. At Camp Feed-‘Em-Yourself, we teach all children to be the best pet owner they can be. Our class roster includes “Yes, it’s Poop, Now Clean it up” and “Your Dog Will Starve Unless You Feed it.” We recommend that graduates of this camp also attend Camp Wild-Thing; where your child will learn that cheetas and lions are not suitable pets.
Just Say No to Britney and Justin Camp
In this camp, children learn to say bye, bye, bye to Justin, Britney and their pals. Your child will learn to appreciate music in classes that include “From Mozart to Aerosmith, a Complete Tutorial,” “Frank Sinatra and Ozzy Osbourne: Twins Switched at Birth?” and of course, “Charlotte Church, Not Just Another Classical Music Loving Geek.” After a week at Camp Pop-No-More, your child will be completely free of any desire to listen to singers who dance, lip sync or are guilty of excessive belly baring. We offer full refunds if you hear “Oops, I Did it Again” blaring from your child’s room within six months of his or her camp experience.
Don’t Hit Your Brother/Sister Camp
Sibling rivalry is not dead. And that’s why your fighting youngsters need this intense, three-week* day camp. At Camp Peace-and-Love, siblings are placed in the same tent – with a camp counselor – and allowed to explore feelings of jealousy, competition and hatred in a private, yet supervised, setting.** Topics for discussion include “Bloodshed Isn’t the Answer” and “Yell and Live to Tell, Hit and in Time Out You Sit”.
*Due to the possibility of violent incidents, our insurance policy does not allow sleepovers at this camp. All children must be picked up at the end of each camp day.
**Due to the intense rivalry between some siblings, we cannot guarantee that your children will never fight again after attending this camp. Some siblings may need an advanced camp, Camp Cain-and-Abel.
Now these are summer camps a mom can use. Imagine a summer that is Timberlake-free. Or a summer where bed making is done automatically. Hey, a mom can dream, can’t she?
