I am a terrible mother. I know this because Junior has made a
list of the terrible things I do to torture him and he has
presented the said list to me. Yes, he is precocious. No, I don’t
find that to be an asset for him.
I am a terrible mother. I know this because Junior has made a list of the terrible things I do to torture him and he has presented the said list to me. Yes, he is precocious. No, I don’t find that to be an asset for him.
But he did make a list. And I did read it. Sort of. I had to have help translating some of the words because Junior’s spelling resembles that of an average first-grader. And, according to the list, I make Junior do all sorts of awful things that no other mother on earth makes her kids do.
1. Junior has to brush his teeth daily. How awful! Can you imagine how horrifying it must be for poor, little Junior, subjected to brushing his teeth EACH AND EVERY DAY? It’s a scandal, I tell you. I even make him use toothpaste. And floss. If Junior had any sense, he’d have me arrested for promoting good oral hygiene.
2. Junior has to eat nutritious food. Somewhere out there is a mom who only feeds her children ring-dings and ice cream, and never, ever makes her children eat anything that resembles a vegetable. I am not that mother. Instead, I’m a heartless, unfeeling mom who makes her son eat things like broccoli. And asparagus. And chicken. And then he can have a ring-dings and ice cream. I may be heartless, but I do have taste buds.
3. Junior has to do his homework daily. Yes, folks, Junior is so deprived that I actually force him to do his homework BEFORE he can play with his friends. I’m almost ashamed to admit that I value his brain and the educational process. Worse yet, I expect him to attend college directly after high school. When he’s really, really mad at me, he yells, “That’s it! I’m not going to college!” Since he’s only in the first grade, I figure I have a while to soften him up about it.
4. Frequent, required, underwear changes. Yes, Junior is forced to wear clean clothes every day – including underwear. Look, I understand that the “Sponge Bob Square Pants” tighty-whiteys are a current favorite. But I’m just mean enough that I won’t let Junior wear them every day. And I’m not the laundry fairy. I will not wash the same pair of underwear every night for my child. I’m just selfish that way.
5. If dinner isn’t finished, then there’s no dessert. This is among the worst of my transgressions. Can you imagine how awful Junior must feel? I mean, he actually has to eat all of his dinner before he can have dessert. He knows, FOR A FACT, that at every other child’s house, dessert is eaten first. But not at his house, where his mom, the most evil of all mothers, currently resides.
6. Junior has to clean his own room. Junior is positive that he is the only child on the planet that has to clean his room. Apparently, every other child has a maid/mother who cleans their rooms daily and leaves ring-dings on their turn-downed beds before lights out. Unfortunately, he’s stuck with me. My mantra is “if you can take it out, you can put it back.” Yep, I’m a big meany, all right.
So there you have it – part of Junior’s list of what makes me a bad mom. I’m sure he’ll add more items as he grows older. I think the teenager list will be the most fun. I can’t wait to see how mean I am when Junior gets a curfew.
