Patrick Ferrin and his wife, Sue, have been married for 30 years
and they’re proud of it. Their success, Pat said, is equal parts
self-sufficiency (they partially built their own home), savvy (they
own several businesses) and good fortune (
”
We enjoy financial success,
”
he said).
Patrick Ferrin and his wife, Sue, have been married for 30 years and they’re proud of it. Their success, Pat said, is equal parts self-sufficiency (they partially built their own home), savvy (they own several businesses) and good fortune (“We enjoy financial success,” he said).
But he adds another variable that he believes also has helped the couple “hang in there” for three decades. Pat and Sue, of St. Paul, Minn., are both first-borns.
Chai T. Lo has a different story. The oldest of eight children, she married the youngest of 10. So, how’s that going? “We complement one another,” said Chai, of Minneapolis, “or so I think!”
As if the list of qualities weren’t intimidating enough in choosing the love of your life (or at least advancing to a second date), you can now ask this when match.dot.com-ming or meeting up for a cup of coffee: So, where are you in your family’s birth order?
Call it science, art or hooey, but haven’t most of us wondered if life would have been different had we scored a different spot on the family food chain? Onlies ponder what life would have been like with siblings. First-borns, often pegged as the most duty-bound, might envy the youngest, who seem far freer of the parental grip. Middles, commonly known as the family peacekeepers, might like to let somebody else negotiate for a while.
More recently, researchers have begun posing another intriguing question: Does where we fall in the birth order have any effect on the someone with whom we might best fall in love?
IT’S JUST ONE PREDICTOR
Many factors, of course, go into a successful – or doomed – union, not the least of which are whether one’s childhood was happy, how one related to the same-gender parent and, a huge one, one’s commitment to making a marriage work.
“Birth order itself is not reliable in predicting how happy a marriage will be,” said Cliff Isaacson, 73, an Iowa-based psychotherapist and author of five books on birth order, including “The Birth Order Effect for Couples.” Values enter in, experiences, how harmonious was the family they came from,” Isaacson said. But there is something to it.
“Birth order, even on a rudimentary level, gives you a jump start on understanding each other. Each place in the birth order has a unique thinking pattern, how he or she processes information. This can help in communication.” People of the same birth order, for example, “already have a sense of one another.”
That seems true for Valerie and Randy Erickson. They’ve been married for 27 years and credit their shared birth order as one of many reasons they understand each other so well.
Not only are they each first-borns, they are each the oldest of four. And each had parents, Valerie said, who “felt that we should make it on our own.” That included paying for their own education, home and cars, while their siblings got consistent support. “I once asked my dad why that was, and he said, `Oh, as the oldest, you were always more responsible and able to take care of yourself.'”
Those high expectations, she said, bonded them as a couple. “We were able to see more clearly, and commiserate together. Also, by having to do everything for ourselves, it gave us a sense of accomplishment. Believe me, we’ve talked about the birth order thing our entire marriage.”
She laughs at one of the outcomes of those talks. The Ericksons have just one child, “who married an only child! They’re so helpless!”
On the other hand, sharing the same place in the birth order was problematic for Victoria Morris, 47, of Crystal, Minn. She and her ex-husband also were both first-borns. “I was used to being a leader and used to being followed, while my ex-husband was used to the same thing. Sigh.” They were divorced eight years ago.
HOW DO YOU FUNCTION?
The difference in outcomes in seemingly similar scenarios may be due to another complexity of birth order dynamics. Birth order isn’t just where you fall chronologically, said Isaacson, a first-born married to only-child Kathy for 54 years. There is also something called “functional” birth order, and this could play an even bigger role. You could be a functional first-born, for example, if your older brother or sister was born with special needs, or if he or she is many years older than you. (That could also make you a functional only child.)
The gender of siblings who come before or after you can make a difference, too. For all sorts of reasons, you could function like the youngest, or first-born, or only, even if that isn’t your chronological place.
Still, some generalizations hold true, said retired psychologist Kevin Leman, author of “The Birth Order Connection: Finding and Keeping the Love of Your Life,” and founder of www.matchwise.com, a Christian online dating service based on his research in birth-order dynamics.
Two onlies could be a challenging match, Leman said, “because they can’t identify with fighting.” Two “fun-loving, otter-like babies” can get along great, until they land in the poor house. “Financial irresponsibility is huge in a baby’s life,” he said.
Leman himself is a youngest, “who married a bossy first-born” 40 years ago. It works, he said, because he needs that responsible first-born who “gets a little uptight” about money to counter his spendthrift approach.
Pa Der Vang, 32, a social worker in Woodbury, Minn., has a similar tale. She’s the second oldest of six children whose parents emigrated from Laos. She functioned largely as an oldest, taking care of her younger siblings. Is it coincidence, or familiarity, that led her to Ocean Thao, the youngest of five?
“I do just about everything,” she said of her husband, who works in gaming. “Clean up, cook, do repairs around the house. I even work on his car.” Does he appreciate her? She laughs. “Yeah, at times. When the rubber hits the road, he appreciates me, but it’s (a matter of) working on it daily.”
But birth order plays a role, too, in why they seem so content in their marriage. She brings purpose and structure to the union. He brings fun. Ocean, she said, “was allowed to be happy (as a boy). He has a happy-go-lucky spirit.”
Ultimately, Leman said, all marriages need more than a good birth-order match to thrive. His list includes a shared faith, similar socioeconomic status and “an intimate connection, where you can pick up a conversation two weeks later.” To that, Isaacson adds playfulness and humor, and an appreciation of differences, in birth order on down.
“Differences can really be enjoyable,” Isaacson said. “Too much alike? That can be boring.”
