I never wanted to teach my child to speak. It’s nothing against
children who do
– it’s just that I was perfectly happy with Junior not
speaking.
I never wanted to teach my child to speak. It’s nothing against children who do – it’s just that I was perfectly happy with Junior not speaking.
You see, Junior had a few good cries. Each one meant something different. The most common cry meant, “I’m wet.” Another meant “feed me, NOW!” Yet another one translated to “hey I’m awake and it’s 2 am. Get your butt in here and sing to me!” And, “I stink! Free me from the stink!” Of course, we also had “hey, that stupid dog ate my banana!”
See? We had all the bases covered.
So I didn’t see any reason to change. Harry, of course, didn’t agree. And he had a valid point. Sooner or later Junior was bound to figure out that the thing we did when we moved our mouths and made sound come out was talking. But I’d seen enough reality TV to know that once you teach kids to talk, all sorts of awful things can happen. So I resisted Harry.
But Harry was sly. Oh, I caught him once or twice – pointing to himself and saying “Daddy” over and over. Sure, he denied it. He said my system was working and he agreed it would be easier in the future to have a mute teenager rather than one who could actually yell at us.
But Harry lied. All those trips to the park to look at birdies. Please, I’m not that stupid. I knew what Harry was doing. He was teaching Junior how to say tree or bird or swing.
And one day, as Junior sat on the kitchen floor banging something or other he said, “eat.” Not “Momma.” Not “Dada.” No, he said, “eat”.
That was the beginning of the end.
For the next few weeks, when Junior needed to be changed or the dog ate his banana or if he woke up at 2 am, he’d yell, “EAT” at the top of his lungs. This completely messed up my system. I’d be standing bleary-eyed in the wee hours of the morning next to a child screaming, “EAT! EAT! EAT!” And I wouldn’t know what to do. Did I change him? Feed him? Put the dog in time-out? Go back to bed and yell EAT at the man whose brilliant idea it was to teach our child to speak?
But the real problem with Junior having a first word is that he quickly had a second word and a third and a fourth and before I knew it he was stringing whole sentences together. And he hasn’t shut up since.
Junior talks all the time. He jabbers to everyone – people, animals, even ladybugs and snails he finds in the backyard. His mouth never stops. He even talks to himself. And the worst part of that is – he answers himself.
He even talks in his sleep. Before I go to bed, I check on Junior to make sure he’s tucked in and sleeping, and he’s always having a grand old time. He’s completely asleep, and yet, he’s still chatting. Once I caught him swearing in his sleep. I didn’t know what to do. Wake him up and give him a time-out or just wait until morning?
Of course, it’s all Harry’s fault. I’m sure that I could’ve taught Junior some new cries – maybe, “the dog ate my homework” or “where’s the nearest bathroom?” Those would’ve gotten him through school. But no, Harry had to teach him to speak.
And we haven’t had a moment of silence since. But it’s kind of nice – just don’t tell Harry I said that.
