‘What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other word
would smell as sweet.’
William Shakespeare
The other day my neighbors and I were out enjoying something we
hadn’t enjoyed in a while
– an afternoon on lawn chairs watching the children play.
‘What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other word would smell as sweet.’
William Shakespeare
The other day my neighbors and I were out enjoying something we hadn’t enjoyed in a while – an afternoon on lawn chairs watching the children play. Oh sure, some of the children were frightened of the bright yellow orb in the sky, but we reassured them it was something called “sun” and that it brought warm weather and no rain – that day at least.
Of course, when you have a group of neighbors together, the first thing we do – after pouring drinks and eating chips – is gossip. And since we have two pregnant women on our street – the gossip was hot about baby names.
Now a while ago, you wouldn’t have found baby names to be a hot topic. Back in the day – when I was a kid – babies were all named within strict baby name guidelines. Having a girl? Pick a pretty girl name. Having a boy? Name him after a western movie star. Then celebrities starting naming their children and frankly, baby names haven’t been the same since.
Now, open any edition of a gossip magazine, and you’ll find children named Apple or Coco. It’s crazy. Who the heck names their child after a piece of fruit?
Don’t these people understand that children are mean? Doesn’t Gwyneth Paltrow know that when little Apple starts kindergarten the kids will tease her each time she eats a grape?
And what about Coco? It’s just a matter of time before Coco Arquette hears “I’m cuckoo for Coco Puffs” during dodge ball. By the time she’s 18, she’ll have heard have heard that approximately 20 million times. She will probably have some sort of cereal phobia by the time she’s 10.
And let’s not even discuss the children of Frank Zappa. I mean, do you really want to be named Moon Unit or Dweezil?
Don’t these celebrities know that a name is the most important gift you can give your child?
Just ask anyone who’s gotten a bad one. A bad name follows you your entire life. Oh sure, you can change it. But even if you were born Farfalla (a real name on the Baby Center 2004 list) and change your name to Emma – aren’t you still Farfalla deep inside? And just what is Farfalla anyway?
Of course, Farfalla wasn’t the only name on the list that made me scratch my head. Tell me, what kind of person looks at the names Zurrenity or Jeneral and says, “Hey, I LIKE those!” And who the heck names their child after food – like Curry or Nutmeg or Sushi? Little Sushi will be teased mercilessly at the class field trip to the aquarium. And if they know what’s good for them, Curry and Nutmeg won’t pick cooking as elective classes.
Of course, there are the people who name their children after brand names – tops on the list were Ikea, Disney and Infiniti. What on earth are those parents thinking?
Do they honestly believe that naming their child Ikea will get them free, do-it-yourself Swedish furniture for life? Or that little Disney will get passes to the Happiest Place on Earth? Or that sweet little Infiniti will be driving around in a free luxury car at the tender age of 16?
There is a definite difference between a name that is unusual – like Condoleezza Rice – and a name that is guaranteed to be changed when YouYou McGuire passes the bar exam. And let’s be honest – for every successful Oprah there’s an Ohm changing her name to Susan because it looks better on campaign posters.
Of course the very worst part of all – at least to a child – is that you will never, ever find personalized bike tags with the name Zenith, Tahini or Lyrick on them.
That can scar a kid for life. Not only do they have a rare name – but their bike plates are handwritten in Magic Marker.
So the next time Junior tells me he hates his name, I’m going to inform him nicely that it could be worse. His Daddy liked the name Blazer. And I was awfully partial to Steak.
