This is Lydia Eden-Irwin’s first column for South Valley Newspapers. She, her husband and family live in Gilroy. Her column will run in Lifestyles on Fridays.
More of us are finding ourselves in blended families these days, so I anticipate that many of you readers will understand my story and the issues that come along with being part of a blended family.
My husband and I came together four years ago. I had an 11-year-old daughter, and he had a 9-year-old daughter and a 4-year-old son. About a year later, his kids came to live with us permanently.
My daughter was in eighth grade. My new stepdaughter should have been going into fifth grade but was held back and repeated fourth grade. So, the girls were about 2 1/2 years apart in age but were separated by four grades in school.
The younger one is taller than the older one, giving her a false sense of superiority. My daughter – the short one – always had her own room and never had to wait in line for anything, not for my attention, not for the television, not for the phone and not for the bathroom.
My stepdaughter was the alpha female sibling in her old house, the one who “knew everything” and the one who cared for her little brother. To add to the complications, she and her little brother lived in a house with exactly the same set of rules for the two of them, even though they are five years apart. Confused? Me too.
Let the tears begin.
For example, bedtime: There is no way to explain to a 5-year-old why he goes to bed an hour earlier than the girls, even though in the past he was allowed to stay up as late as his sister. New house, new rules. Lots of crying.
Bathroom time: Did I mention we all share one bathroom? Two girls ask to take a shower at the same time. How do you solve this? When we come to this kind of stalemate, we do one round of “rock paper scissors” (more rounds if there is a tie). A decision is made, followed by someone crying.
Parental preference: “Mom you love them more than me.” “Dad, it’s not fair.” More crying.
Shall we move on to meals? It is nearly impossible to make five out of five people happy at the dinner table. My husband and I rate dinner like the Dentyne gum commercial – “four out of five family members surveyed enjoyed their dinner tonight.”
As a cook, it’s really stressful to plan meals for people with specific and limited tastes. It’s a real challenge because you don’t want dinner to be dreaded, and you want them to love you while you feed them something “scary.” When my stepchildren first came to live with us, they would only eat spaghetti with butter and grilled-cheese sandwiches.
To solve the spaghetti problem, I started adding a little sauce to the noodles to make them “pink.” Slowly and in a very calculated manner I added more and more sauce, until finally one day I served spaghetti with thick, red, meaty sauce. Oh, what a glorious day!
I know it sounds ridiculous, but if you add the spaghetti problem to all of the other special accommodations to help the kids adjust, it’s just one more thing to have to think about, and it IS a big deal. We finally convinced them to try new foods by letting them know, “This is dinner. Eat this or eat nothing.” (I know that sounds cruel, but it was a last resort.) My stepson went to bed hungry twice, I think, crying of course. But he got over it, and he eats a wider variety of foods now. In fact, last fall he graduated from slim fit to regular jeans.
The crying is contagious when you blend two households. Just ask my mom. I called her crying over all of this many times. She always said, “Parenting is not for cowards. You are brave. Don’t give up.”
It took about 1 1/2 years for everyone, including me, to find their new role in the family. I hope I never have another year like that. For all of you just starting this process, don’t give up! It gets better, I promise. Things just seem to have a natural way of falling into place. The kids eventually stop crying – and so will you.
Lydia Eden-Irwin and her husband were both raised in Gilroy. They have three kids collectively and have spent the past four years meeting the challenges of blending two broken households into one great family. Lydia can be reached at
ed*****@ao*.com
.
