Happy New Year – or, as it is becoming known in politically correct circles – Happy Change Your Calendar and Write the Wrong Date on Your Checks Day!
Of course, no matter what you choose to call this day we still follow traditions. Take Dick Clark, for example. Change Your Calendar and Write the Wrong Date on Your Checks Day would simply not be the same without America’s oldest teenager standing around watching real teens (who are approximately 3 million years younger than he is) sing and dance on Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve.
Of course, there are no actual rock stars on the show, so maybe it would be more accurate to call it Dick Clark’s Hip Hopping and Pop Star Popping Eve. In any event, it’s an American tradition to watch Dick Clark and his teen singers ring in the New Year, er, I mean, celebrate changing the calendar.
And what would that magical evening be without watching about a million frozen people standing in the middle of Times Square in New York City, waiting for a ball to drop on their noggins at the stroke of midnight? OK, maybe their noggins are safe. But what if the ball drops and doesn’t stop?
Of course, a calendar change just isn’t the same without singing that famous old song “Auld Lang Syne.” Sure, nobody knows what it means. And sure, nobody knows the words. But still we sing it, and we love it.
In case you were wondering, after a bit of research, I believe I can clear up the “Auld Lang Syne” mystery. It seems this was a Scottish song, originally sung on New Year’s Eve, which in Scotland is known as Hogmanay or “the night old man Manay’s hogs turned loose on Edinburgh.”
And the reason nobody knows the words is that the words are in Scottish, a language most Americans don’t even pretend to speak. Oh, everybody knows a few words like “kilt,” which is Scottish for “I’m manly and I wear a skirt.” But for the most part, Americans are woefully ignorant of the Scottish language.
And that’s why we don’t understand “Auld Lang Syne.” Not that it matters anyway. I mean, my extensive research (3.5 seconds on Google) revealed that “Auld Lang Syne” is actually a song about wading in streams, looking for daisies and drinking in a pub. Not one mention about changing your calendar or writing the wrong date on your checks, but for some reason, it’s still a tradition.
As for drinking on the eve of Change Your Calendar and Write the Wrong Date on Your Checks Day, that’s not really a tradition for me. I mean, sure it’s fun on toasting in the new calendar with champagne and all. But I’ll tell you, once you reach a certain age – my age, for example – hangovers last for several months. No longer do you just feel cruddy for just one day. No, for me a hangover can last an entire season. I can spend three months being cranky, with a splitting headache and an insane urge to eat only greasy food.
So, I toast this day with sparkling cider. That way I can keep up with my pesky Change Your Calendar and Write the Wrong Date on Your Checks Day Resolutions.
You see, when we change the calendar we begin anew. That means you have a unique opportunity to make your life different. For example, many people resolve to take off weight staring Jan. 2. This is why you will see gyms across the country spike in membership from Jan. 2 until somewhere around Jan. 15, when people suddenly realize that they are so out of shape, they might DIE by working out, and they should take it slower.
So, instead of going to the gym, they just start purchasing institutional-sized bags of Cheetos and lug those around for weight training.
Many people also resolve to be nicer. Again, from Jan. 2 to Jan. 15, instances of road rage are on the wane. It’s suddenly safe to drive again and make a tiny mistake, like rear-ending a brand-new luxury sedan after your insurance has lapsed. But after Jan. 15, people realize what an effort it is to be kind, and the birds start flying on roads across America.
Of course, no matter what traditions you choose to embrace on Change Your Calendar and Write the Wrong Date on Your Checks Day, I still wish you a safe and happy holiday. See you in 2006.
