Excuse me, but what happened to spring? It’s that time before
summer and after winter. It’s a season of renewal. It’s the season
of bunnies and eggs and Easter. It’s the season where I finally
realize that summer is coming and I’d better do something about the
size of my butt.
Excuse me, but what happened to spring? It’s that time before summer and after winter. It’s a season of renewal. It’s the season of bunnies and eggs and Easter. It’s the season where I finally realize that summer is coming and I’d better do something about the size of my butt.
But it’s definitely not 88 degrees in March in the spring.
This doesn’t bode well. Having such a hot spring upsets the natural order of things. Look, spring exists for a reason. The soil warms, flowers begin to bloom, grass starts to grow and people get ready for summer.
Nobody can go from winter white legs to tanned summer legs without the benefit of spring. It doesn’t work that way. It’s too fast. And everyone knows that winter butts are much larger than summer butts. Honestly, my winter butt only has to fit into sweat pants with adjustable waistbands – but my summer butt has to fit into a swimsuit without looking like a raft trying desperately to cover the Titanic.
So, you see, spring is necessary.
I’ll be honest. I am a person without color. Unlike my husband and my son – whose Hispanic heritage gives them beautiful golden skin – I am whiter than white. My legs glow in the dark. I need spring to slowly barbecue myself into a nice, tanned color that can be revealed in shorts – or at least get me to a darker shade of pale. I start slowly. As the weather warms, I begin wearing cropped pants that stop at my ankles. Just enough skin to get a little tanned – but not enough to blind someone from the glare. Then, I move on to Capri’s – which hit at mid calf. And once the calves start browning nicely, I move on to long shorts. By June, I’m in regular shorts and I’m no longer looking like Casper the Friendly Ghost’s much paler cousin.
And then there is the butt issue. Look, we all know what happens in winter. You get a little comfortable being all covered up. Bulky clothing + winter meals = bulky body. But usually we have spring to reduce the winter butt to a manageable size – or at least learn to embrace its bigness. But when summer comes in March, we have a problem. It’s called swimsuit season and it’s here way too soon.
At best, when you have totally prepared for it, buying a swimsuit is torture. No matter how much tummy control a suit has, no matter how cleverly it tries to camouflage your problem areas, the fact is that a swimsuit reveals more of your body than anyone should see without first signing a release form. And that’s even with your summer butt.
But without spring, there’s no way to get your summer butt. There’s no time to diet. No time to go the gym. No, when the heat comes early, you have no choice. You must drag your winter butt to the nearest department store and try on a swimsuit.
This is not a pretty sight. Right now, in dressing rooms across California, millions of women are crying. They are seeing, for the first time, the horror that can occur when a winter butt gets put into a swimsuit. And to make matters worse – their own winter white legs will blind some of them.
So I say, bring back spring. Get those temperatures down. Bring back the natural order of things. And maybe by August my summer butt will be here and my legs won’t blind anyone. But just to be safe, maybe you should wear sunglasses around me.
