Have you sat down to have a serious talk with your child, only
to have his eyes glaze over? Maybe you’ve noticed that lately when
you speak, your child mouths the words along with you?
Have you sat down to have a serious talk with your child, only to have his eyes glaze over? Maybe you’ve noticed that lately when you speak, your child mouths the words along with you? If so, you are the perfect client for my new venture, Parental Lectures ‘R Us.
At Parental Lectures ‘R Us, we’ve crafted intelligent, interesting lectures that children actually hear. All speeches have been extensively tested on real children, are fully customizable to fit your family rules and come with a money back guarantee.
Some examples of our fine lecture series are as follows:
Lecture #234 – Make Your Bed Before Leaving This House.
This is one of our most popular lectures. It can easily be personalized to fit any bed from waterbed to loft. Included in this five-minute talk are such lines as, ”be sure to tuck in the sheets” and, ”no, the stuffed animals don’t belong on the floor.” It also answers the age old question, ”why do I have to make my bed if I’m just going to mess it up tonight?”
Lecture #908 – Just Because The Kid Down The Street Uses Foul Language, Doesn’t Mean You Can.
This lecture is becoming more and more popular with parents of the seriously potty-mouthed. It touches on such topics as, ”saying darn can be cool, too” and, ”use the B word, not the A word when referring to your bottom.” This speech is available in all age ranges.
Lecture #15 – Flushing is Important.
This talk emphasizes the easily forgotten flush. It ranges in tone from singing a silly flushing song to the slightly threatening, ”if you don’t flush, you will clean all the toilets in the house for a month and I’m not kidding.”
Lecture #498 – You Are Not Leaving This House Dressed Like That.
This is available in several versions, ranging from, ”Brittney is Not a Fashion Icon” to, ”no, Lime Green Shirts Do Not Match with Camouflage Pants.”
Lecture #199 – Turn That Music Down, You Will go Deaf..
This lecture includes the speech, as well as exercises the parent can do to raise the volume of their voice while delivering the lecture over the blaring music. If this lecture fails, we recommend that you consult the handy guide to sign language, included in this package. For the truly desperate, we give detailed drawings of the home electrical system so that you can rewire the house to bypass your child’s room, stopping the music forever.
Lecture #34 – There is more to Caring For an Animal Than Just Looking at it.
This simple, but effective, chat brings home the evil truth about animals. This lecture is available in most animal forms, including dog, cat, ferret, fish and reptile. Included with all packages are guides to animal care, as well as a scratch and sniff card with actual animal smells, such as ”dirty dog”, ”ferret droppings” and ”cat food.”
Lecture #678 – You Want to Pierce What?
This speech includes such topics as ”I’m Positive You Can’t Pierce That” and, ”Hospital Stays Are Required For Infections.” This talk includes a bonus CD of teenage slang to enable you to connect with your child. We strongly recommend that you practice pronunciation before you say your first ”yo.”
And, for a limited time only, we at Parental Lectures ‘R Us are pleased to provide what is perhaps the greatest lecture of all time. It has been in my family for centuries, handed down from generation to generation. It’s effectiveness is unequaled by any other lecture in our series.
Lecture #1 – Because I am Your Parent, That’s Why.
