Another April 15 has come and gone
– and I still don’t understand taxes. Oh, I get the part about
contributing to the running of our government – but there are so
many rules.
At last count, there’s like 40 billion rules about taxes. Okay,
maybe that’s an exaggeration
– but not by much.
Another April 15 has come and gone – and I still don’t understand taxes. Oh, I get the part about contributing to the running of our government – but there are so many rules.
At last count, there’s like 40 billion rules about taxes. Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration – but not by much.
And I don’t think anyone – alive, dead or serving in congress – knows all of the rules. I am positive that somewhere in Washington there’s one guy sitting in an IRS cubicle making up the tax laws. And he’s the most evil man on the planet.
But the government balances out evil guy by giving us deductions. I love deductions. In fact, when my tax preparer says the word “deductions” I get all happy – it’s almost like hearing the words “shoe sale.”
The problem is, my happiness is pretty short-lived. I mean, sure I get deductions – but not enough, frankly. There’s the home one and the kid one and the people-in-your-family one, but after that we’re pretty much deduction-free.
It’s kind of like going to a shoe sale that advertises a million pairs of shoes for half-price, but finding out there are only three in your size. And all three are ugly.
And then my tax preparer told me about other deductions. Oh, not because I qualified for them – I think he was just making tax-dude small talk. But it hit me that people who are really rich – unlike me – get more than just a few deductions. That’s not fair – so I propose that we middle class, non-deductible people ban together and lobby the IRS for the following changes to the tax code.
1. 2005 Child Food Deduction.
According to everyone I know with a teenager, it costs a fortune to feed them – which scares the heck out of me, because it’s already costing a fortune just to feed my 9-year old. But the average 16-year-old boy in a growth spurt can consume over $1,000 in mac and cheese in a single month.
So I propose that the government recognize that many parents are taking out second mortgages just to feed their children and give us a child-food deduction. Now, I wouldn’t include tips for the pizza guy in this – I just want a fair deduction, I don’t want to bankrupt the government.
2. 2005 My Kid Wants to Look Cool Deduction.
If you’ve priced shoes for a growing child lately, you know that basketball shoes cost as much as luxury vehicles these days. So I propose that we be able to deduct a portion of the cost of the latest, must-have pair of Nike Air-Somebody-or-Other basketball shoes. Or the latest pair of designer ripped jeans. I don’t know why you pay more when they have holes in them – but you do.
3. 2005 I Need a Big Car Because of the Carpool Deduction.
Let’s be real here. You cannot carpool in a two-seater. And frankly, even a four-seater sedan isn’t carpool friendly – because, honestly, you can fit the kids in, but what about their stuff? Have you ever tried to fit more than one backpack into a teeny-tiny trunk? It doesn’t work. So parents need at least one gargantuan car to ferry their children, the neighbor’s children, their backpacks and soccer gear from place to place.
4. The Mom and Dad Need Some Sanity Deduction.
Look, everyone knows that today’s parents are pushed and pulled in many different directions, all the while trying to hold down jobs, keep the house decent and help with homework. That’s why in this deduction, all spa days, weekend getaways, and poker losses are completely deductible.
5. The Kids Are Bored So We Got Cable Deduction.
Look, nobody wants to admit it – but there are days during the summer when it’s hot, your child is bored, and you are going out of your mind thinking of stuff to do. So you plop your child down in front of the TV and hope like heck it’s Scooby–Doo marathon day.
So I propose that there be a deduction for the months of June, July and August for the cost of cable or satellite TV. Heck, even the IRS has to agree that this one is fair.
Of course, I could think of more deductions that I would want – but I think we should start with these five. After all-with 40 billion rules and counting – who’s going to notice five new ones? Now if I could just find a lobbyist willing to take this on….
