Dear Neighbors,
We, the Sontag family, would like to apologize for the noises
you have heard emanating from our house for the past month.
Unfortunately, against the better judgment of pretty much every
single person on the planet, we were given the game Rock Band at
Christmas.
Dear Neighbors,
We, the Sontag family, would like to apologize for the noises you have heard emanating from our house for the past month. Unfortunately, against the better judgment of pretty much every single person on the planet, we were given the game Rock Band at Christmas. And, even more unfortunately and even more against the better judgment of pretty much every single person on the planet, we have actually been playing it.
Yeah. It sucks to be our neighbors, doesn’t it?
Anyway, we are sorry. However, we are now addicted to this game and I’m sure you understand that there is no cure for this addiction. Ironically, there is no rehab for Rock Band, although I’m pretty sure we could buy the song and sing it for you.
You will be glad to hear that we are playing gigs across the country at many high-class establishments that I can’t name for fear our data will be erased and our band will be, er, banned from them. Also, I can’t recall what their names are because right before we play I’m usually saying things like, “What? What song is that? Was it made in the ’80s? I only know ’80s songs.”
On the plus side, we have won ourselves some roadies, so the sky is the limit here. In fact, we hope to wean ourselves off the “easy” version of the songs and move into the challenging “medium” territory any day now. We’re sure you can’t wait for that.
In any event, we have heard some of the rumors and we’d like to take a minute to address them.
We are not harboring renegade cows in our backyard. As far as we can tell, the horrible, torturous mooing sound you hear every weekend night is actually my singing. But please give me a break. Every time I tried to play drums or guitar, I failed immediately and we couldn’t get past the first level of songs. For some reason, Rock Band cannot tell that I am completely tone-deaf and blind and thus cannot read the words to the songs or sing on key. So singing turns out to be perfect for me. Not so perfect for anyone who can hear me, though.
The screaming that occurs at 3-minute intervals is not us torturing small animals or me trying to get Junior to pick up the dog poo in the backyard. It’s actually Harry. At the end of every song, he screams. He is trying to get extra points at the end so we can do a World Tour. On the other hand, he may be trying to clear his ears from my singing. Probably, it’s the latter. But I’m just guessing.
We are not running a camp for clown school rejects. The jumping, tumbling and running you hear is Junior – who believes he is the next David Lee Roth, minus the icky 80’s hair and Eddie Van Halen on guitar, of course. And the crunching sounds are his knees as he lands on them. Yeah, he’s so going to regret that in about 30 years.
The howling you hear is, shockingly, not me singing. It’s the dog. She howls along whenever I attempt to hit a high note. Which is surprisingly often, unfortunately. Although in my defense, she also howled when Aretha Franklin sang at the Inauguration. So I’m in pretty darned good company, aren’t I?
The excellent drumming sounds are, of course, not being made by any member of our family. None of us likes drumming, so we bought an extra guitar instead and now the game does the drumming for us. Well, OK. I liked drumming, but the sticks proved to be too difficult for me to actually hold onto and everyone else got tired of ducking during my drum solos. Not to mention the fact that the dog ate one of the drumsticks. So now the machine does it for us. And it does a much better job than any of us ever could.
We hope that clears up most of the rumors. Of course, we will try to ensure that the neighborhood vibe stays harmonious. (Get it? Anyone? Harmonious? Rock Band? Yeah, OK, I killed it.) Anyway, to preserve the happy harmony and prevent a mob from attacking our home, we promise the following: First, we won’t ever open the windows while playing. And second, well, there is no second. Just be happy we aren’t opening the windows, OK?
