At some point over summer, I became super-sized.
I don’t how that happened.
At some point over summer, I became super-sized.
I don’t how that happened. I watched my diet. I watched every French fry and every ice cream that I ate – and there were quite a few. Sure, I might have had a one too many Big Macs. But I was really there just to get Junior the new Happy Meal toys – so those calories don’t count, do they?
And it’s not like I didn’t exercise. I was in the pool every day. But I guess floating around on a noodle while eating Doritos doesn’t use up many calories. And getting into the water while being attacked by a child riding an inflatable whale probably doesn’t burn the fat, either.
So I decided to do something about it. Now, in the past, I’ve gone for those horrible, trendy diets where you eat air for breakfast, lunch and dinner. But this time I was determined to do the right thing – or at least eat some form of food – for the months that it would take to get my butt back into my jeans.
And that’s how I started counting carbohydrates.
Carbs have replaced fat as the big evil in our lives. Steak and whipped cream are good – crackers and bread are bad. All those years – OK, weeks – that I lived on fat-free pasta and marinara sauce were just an invitation for my thighs to double in width.
Still, I resisted carb counting. I mean, how could I lose weight and still eat the equivalent of half a cow within the two-week induction period? But the first day of my new diet – um, lifestyle – I had bacon and eggs for breakfast.
Now I ask you, what can be bad about a diet that MAKES you eat eggs and bacon for breakfast? And for lunch, I had a salad with sliced chicken. And dinner? No rice, but plenty of meat and veggies. And the next day, I had the same. And the day after that, the same.
And pretty soon, an entire week of me being a carnivore had passed. Other than a slight roaring sound I made when I slept, everything seemed to be fine. I felt my hips start to shrink. My butt lost some cellulite. My thighs stopped rubbing together when I walked. As far as lifestyle changes go – this was a pretty good one.
And then I had an urge to eat butter.
Of course, on my new lifestyle plan, I could eat all the butter I wanted. The only problem was, I wanted bread with my butter. And I wanted it really, really bad. So bad I was willing to go to any length to have one tiny piece of bread slathered in butter. So I ripped apart the kitchen until I found the one loaf of bread remaining. And I slathered one little, tiny piece of it with butter.
And it was good. So good in fact, that I had another piece. And another. And pretty soon, the entire loaf was gone. And my thighs were back – wider than ever.
So I had a choice. I could go back to the meat – or I could try something I’ve never tried before. I could actually eat a healthy, balanced diet – one that didn’t include Big Macs and fries.
On the other hand, I’ve heard there’s a new diet out that allows you to eat bread as long as it’s made from genuine Peruvian Yak imitation flour. I think I’ll just whip up a batch and see how it tastes.
With butter, of course.
