I recently found out that I am old. Like older than dirt old.
Possibly even
”
lived through ancient history and saw the dawn of time
”
old. Unfortunately, I didn’t know I was old.
I recently found out that I am old. Like older than dirt old. Possibly even “lived through ancient history and saw the dawn of time” old. Unfortunately, I didn’t know I was old. I feel young. I think I might look young – as long as I’m not looking up close. And as long as I’m not wearing my glasses (which, by the way, do me absolutely no good since I still have to hold the newspaper really, really far away to read it). But apparently I am so old I forgot I was old and made the mistake of thinking I was still in my youth.
And then I went to a local game store to purchase a PS3 game for Junior. OK, whatever … it was for me, I was using Junior as a cover. I bought the game and the clerk said, “Oh, it has Buddy Holly on it.” Well, I thought he meant the guy who was a ’50s singer. So I was a bit puzzled, and said, “Hmm. That’s kind of old school isn’t it?” And frankly, I was proud of myself. I mean I used the term old school in a sentence. That proves how young and hip I am, right?
Sadly no. I went home and told Harry the story and he said, “He meant the song.” Hello? What song? A young and hip song that I did not know? How could that be? I was astonished. So I asked Harry what song he could possibly mean. “The song by Weezer,” he answered while he, I am unhappy to report, read the newspaper without having it at arm’s length. “Oh, of course,” I replied, nodding sagely while thinking, who the heck is Weezer? Turns out Weezer is a band. And by not knowing Weezer, I realized I was a geezer.
I couldn’t believe I was that old. When the heck did that happen? I couldn’t possibly be that old. I listen to music in the car, for Pete’s sake. I listen to a hip station. Or at least I thought it was hip. And then I made the mistake of checking it out on the Internet. Turns out I listen to satellite radio. Even worse, I listen to an adult contemporary station.
Good Lord, do you know what that means? I’m an old person. I listen to adult contemporary, for Pete’s sake. That’s super-secret-hip-people-code for Old Fart Music. When did this happen? I used to listen to Metallica. When they played a concert in the Tower Records parking lot, do you know where I was? Well, I was shoe shopping, but that’s not the point. The point is that if Macy’s hadn’t been having such a good shoe sale that day I WOULD HAVE BEEN THERE.
And now, now I listen to adult contemporary, where John Mayer is in heavy rotation. And I like John Mayer. And I thought he was hip. And then I realized that maybe he was hip, but I certainly wasn’t. I mean, sure John was dating Jennifer Aniston, but let’s be real. Girlfriend is pushing – no shoving – at 40 now. She’s no longer the sweet, shopping obsessed 20-something on “Friends,” is she?
And neither am I. Sweet and 20-something I mean. I was never on “Friends.” But now, Jen and I are old. Although strangely, she doesn’t look near my age. Which just made that entire moment suck, I will tell you.
And that’s when I realized that all those “40 and fabulous” makeup tips that I routinely ignore in fashion magazines are actually aimed at me. And quite possibly, those tips are what make Jen look so young while I listen to adult contemporary and hold the newspaper three feet away so I can make out the tiny print. Why did I waste my youth? Why did I never realize that someday the “Flirting with 30” makeup tips wouldn’t apply to me? Youth is totally wasted on the young. I’m an old fart and I want that time back. And I want it back NOW.
So I tried to get the time back. My satellite radio had an all-Metallica station. At first it was wonderful. And then a song came on and I didn’t recognize it. And I couldn’t understand the words. And before I could stop myself, my hand flew off the steering wheel and changed to my favorite adult contemporary station.
And I sang along to John Mayer. Because I am a geezer, not a Weezer.
