I am a fashion victim. I admit it. I don’t do high-fashion. For
one thing, fashion requires ironing.
I am a fashion victim. I admit it. I don’t do high-fashion. For one thing, fashion requires ironing. For another, fashion requires that I never eat again, so that my butt is the size of a pea and, therefore, looks good in the clothes. I can’t do that. I get hungry and grumpy and nobody wants that.
But I do like to look at fashion. Oh, I’m not crazy about watching the models strut down the runway, shaking their pea-sized buns. No, I like the clothes – well, I like the idea of the clothes. They are so far from my reality. It’s pretty clear that designers aren’t designing for suburban soccer moms with more than a little roast in their rumps.
Take one designer’s huge, feather headdress, for example. When you wear what looks like a 5-gallon paint bucket covered by feathers on your head, it says something about you, no matter who you are or where you go. For example, at a soccer game, this says, “I’m the crazy mom, let my kid score more goals.” And at a parent-teacher conference it says, “don’t mess with my child, he has me for a mother.” Even at the grocery store, this hat says, “keep the whole fryers away from me.”
The designers are also showing serious amounts of metal. There are metal belts and even a big metal purse shaped like a tie that hangs from a choker on your neck. I think this says, “I have serious fetish issues. I need help.” Or maybe it just says, “let my kid score again or I’ll hit you with my tie.” Either way, the metal tie/purse is a strange accessory.
Then there are the mini skirts. I especially liked one that was long in the back and had a huge torn-off portion in front so that the front of the skirt hit the model right below her thong panty line. That’s a good one for the soccer fields. It’s a skirt that basically says, “hey I ripped it on the minivan, but aren’t I a fashionista?”
One designer even showed umbrellas. I know. I, too, thought everyone just bought their umbrellas at the drug store, but apparently true fashion worshippers do not. They buy designer umbrellas. And designer umbrellas are a little odd. This designer showed an umbrella that had all the fabric shredded – making the umbrella pretty much useless. Of course, you could always wear the bucket hat during the next storm.
The designers also introduced a new concept called “butt cleavage.” I don’t know about you, but I could have lived my entire life without seeing or knowing about butt cleavage. I mean, that used to be a bad thing. Remember the jokes about plumbers and just saying no to crack? Well, those plumbers are now at the forefront of fashion. They don’t have cracks – they have cleavage.
And of course, there were more bared bellies. I hate bared bellies – mainly because I’d never bare mine. Of course, models do not have bellies. They have abs. There is a huge difference. Abs can be bare. Abs can be pierced. Bellies should be neither bare nor pierced – unless you want to feel horrifying pain when your belly ring gets caught in your control-top panty hose.
After looking at the designs, I realized something. You won’t see me in designer fashions any time soon. Which is just as well. I really have nothing that matches that red-feathered bucket hat. Unless it’s my new belly-baring, butt cleavage-enhancing jeans. Won’t that make an interesting outfit for the next soccer game?
