Thanks to the Hollywood writer’s strike I am watching stuff on
TV that I never would have watched in a bazillion years.
Thanks to the Hollywood writer’s strike I am watching stuff on TV that I never would have watched in a bazillion years. In fact, until a few days ago, I didn’t think TV got any lower than “Barney,” but apparently it does. And that’s why I watched the Guinness Book of World’s Records the other night on TV.
And of course, because I watched in horrified fascination, I had to view the Web site the next day. Because honestly, it was like a train wreck. You don’t want to look, but you can’t stop yourself either.
I used to think the Book of World Records was stuff like motorcycle jumps over cars and tallest man alive. Turns out there are a lot of those kinds of things – but there’s a ton of really odd stuff too. I can only assume this is because the Guinness Book of World Records offers people a place in history. Assuming, of course, that you feel your place is for having the world’s loudest burp.
I swear, how do people come up this stuff? Do they sit around at holiday time burping their pleasure over a yummy turkey when suddenly one of the kids lets out a big one and Grandpa says, “Hot diggity; that’s one for the record books” and they send it in? Or is there an actual competition that takes place somewhere? Do they train for the contest? If so, is there a soda sponsor or do the contestants bring their burping beverage of choice?
Then there is the guy with the longest ear hair. Who on earth wants to be famous for longest ear hair? That is just disgusting on so many levels. Eww. Just eww. What kind of person looks in the mirror, pulls out a strand of EAR HAIR and says, “Hey, I think I’ve got a world record here” and then actually contacts Guinness and sends them pictures? Call me crazy, but I would be ripping that hair out by its roots and hoping like heck nobody noticed it. But apparently, that’s just me.
I won’t even discuss longest tongue. Although I must say I was shocked that the record did not go to a certain member of the band Kiss. And seriously, who runs around measuring their tongue? That’s just nasty. OK, I think I’ve said enough.
Of course there is the man who pours milk up his nose and then squirts it out his eyeball. How on God’s green earth do you discover that kind of talent? Who sits around on a rainy day thinking, “I wonder what would happen if I turned upside down and poured this glass of milk up my nose? Would it squirt out my eyeball?” I’m not being judgmental here, but doesn’t that guy have better things to do? I mean, it’s not like a run-of-the-mill stupid thing like eating goldfish or seeing how many fraternity guys can fit inside a phone booth. No, this whole squirting milk out your eyeball thing is just plain weird. And creepy. Not that I’m judging him or anything.
Because if I were to judge that guy, I’d have to judge the grandma who has tattooed every part of her body except for her toes. Seriously. They did not show “every” part, but made sure to tell us that it was tattooed. I just … there are no words. The woman had a floral design from head to foot. I … I guess I can say she was the most colorful woman I’ve ever seen.
And then of course there are the amazing feats, as Guinness calls them. We’re talking stuff like heaviest weight dangled from a swallowed sword. I swear I am so happy I am not that man’s mother. Can you imagine him growing up? You’d be getting phone calls from all the mother’s on the block, telling you that your child is not only running around with something sharp in his mouth, but he’s got his 1-year sister hanging from the end of the sword as well.
Naturally, there are the usual, run-of-the-mill records like oldest person, tallest, shortest and stuff like that. But it’s the weird ones that are showcased and the weird ones I’m sure that sell the book and make us watch the show. Although, if I’m being honest, I still blame the cursed writer’s strike for the TV show. I can only hope the strike ends before “Barney” starts looking like great TV. I don’t think I can handle that.
