Your turkey day checklist

Somehow I have ended up being the official hostess for Thanksgiving dinner for a dozen or so people. I have no idea why. I can only assume it’s a cruel joke. Anyway, to prepare, I consulted the Great Internet Advisors and found a handy little checklist that will ensure my turkey day goes off without a hitch.
Six Weeks Ahead
Start planning your menu
Seriously? We’re having turkey. Doesn’t everyone have turkey? How much planning and forethought does that take?
Based on your menu, decide what is doable
Nothing is “doable” unless it involves someone other than me cooking. And let me ask this: is “doable” a real word?
Invite guests
If I am cooking, we might as well invite the fire department, because I guarantee you they will arrive at dinnertime anyway to put the turkey out.
Five Weeks Ahead
Seriously? I have better things to do. Skipping all these steps. Five weeks. Sheesh. That’s still October, people.
Four Weeks Ahead
Do you people not have anything better to do? It’s Thanksgiving dinner, not the Battle of the Bulge. Oh, wait. Maybe it is the Battle of the Bulge, depending on your intake of pumpkin pie. Whatever. Not planning four weeks ahead.
Three Weeks Ahead
Now we’re talking. Let’s see what I have to plan.
First Shopping Trip
Wait. What? Crud. Maybe I should have paid attention in weeks five and four. I don’t know what I’m buying. Food? Tablecloth? Fire extinguishers?
Clean the Pantry
Omigod. This is the most dangerous job in the house. But I will tackle it.  Hey, look. I found last year’s box of stuffing. I wonder if it is still usable?
One Week Ahead
Clean the house
Oh, you kill me, Great Internet Advisors. Do you honestly believe that if I clean the house a week ahead of time that the people and dogs that live here will keep it spotless? Please.
Three Days Before
Clean the fridge
Is there no end to the torture? Really? Some of that stuff in the back is alive. I’m not touching it.
Prep food
What food? I skipped weeks five and six. We don’t have any food.
One Day Before
Set table, including candles
OK, I put plates on there. However, we still don’t have any food. Also? The limits of my insurance company prevent me from having lit candles in my home.
Thanksgiving Day
Enjoy your day
Oh, I plan to. The one thing I have is lot of wine and I’m telling you, that makes everything better. Plus? I think the neighbors are barbecuing their turkey, so I’m sending Junior next door to steal it. Once it’s cooked, of course.