Oh sure, we’ve all read the studies on the benefits of having a dog. They provide companionship, help lower stress levels, bring families together etcetera, etcetera. But none of these studies mentions the number one best thing about owning a dog: The Shopping Opportunity. And by that I don’t mean purchasing things like bones or fancy biscuits or rubber squeaky toys. I’m talking, stylish clothes.
Oh, all right. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that my life has taken some sort of pathetic turn to reach this level. And, well you’re right. But, hey, it’s not just me. Other people buy this stuff, too. In fact, you just have to Google, “doggie clothes,” on the Internet and voila! You’ll find miniature bridal gowns and veils. Doggie jogging sneakers and fur-lined rain boots. Ballet slippers, high heels that look suspiciously like miniature Manolo pumps, and, on top of that, stylish accessories like French sailor caps, John Lennon type sunglasses, and Jackie-O pillbox hats. And bikinis. Yes, bikinis, FOR A DOG, which brings up a whole new set of issues that I’m not qualified to go into here.
But wait, that’s not all. There are the costumes like plush bumblebee jumpers and penguin suits and cow outfits. Now, let me just stop right here and say that I’m not poking fun at people who dress their very-expensive-top-of-the-line pedigree dog in, say, a giraffe costume. I’m sure there’s a very good reason for it, although I’m not quite sure what that may be. Perhaps it is a status sort of thing. Or perhaps it’s because some people get a kick out of disguising their dog as a different sort of animal. Or maybe it’s because some people have way too much time and extra cash on their hands. Whatever the reason, save your money, people. It’s a DOG. You are fooling no one.
But back to my point.
Before you order your dog an outfit, which, of course, makes much more sense than a costume, there are a few crucial things you need to do. The first is figuring out just what sort of dog you own. Is it the sporty type? Or more rugged? Does it prefer haughty couture or a more Bohemian look? Can it carry off a black velvet garter dress or is it more comfortable in a leather halter-top?
So, after a scientific observation of our dog Murphy, which consisted of watching him eat sand and pee on the floor, we concluded that he isn’t really a two-piece tuxedo sort of dog, but more of a terry cloth sweat suit sort of guy.
The next thing is finding your dog’s size. As much as you’d like to think, you can’t just pick a one-size-fits-all red formal party dress and expect it to fit perfectly on your Chihuahua. You should know by now that things in the canine world are never going to be this easy. You must take measurements. Lots and lots of measurements. You have to measure your dog’s chest, and the length from the base of the neck to the tail, and the total circumference of its thighs.
After spending five minutes measuring Murphy and 15 minutes trying to get the tape measure out of his mouth, we finally determined that he’s a solid size 5, which means 1) he can shop in the junior section, 2) he can pull off horizontal stripes, and 3) he has a better figure than me.
After an intense debate on which looks more stylish on a miniature schnauzer, a leopard newsboy hat or a red snakeskin slicker, we finally decided on a simple, yet sophisticated look: a black collar with a bow tie. Oh sure, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that we could’ve saved ourselves the whole big fat ordeal and just bought one at the pet store down the street. And you’re right.
But, hey, there’s something ‘je ne sais quois’ about ordering over-priced merchandise from a glamour boutique for dogs. Then again, there’s something really stupid about it, too.
Sometimes, with dogs and fashion, it’s a fine line.
