It’s a little known fact that mothers are desperate for a decent
conversation.
It’s a little known fact that mothers are desperate for a decent conversation.
Oh, it’s not like we don’t have a chance to talk at home. After all, we talk to our children constantly. It builds their oral vocabulary, increases their IQ about a bazillion points, and all that. But, really, have you tried getting a conversation going on the problem of the highway infrastructure with anyone under 6 months old?
It goes something like:
Mother: Say, have you heard about the new carpool lane on the interstate? I mean it’s a good idea, in theory. But, if they think for one minute that it’s going to have any long-term effect on traffic congestion, they are mistaken, I tell you.
Baby: Aaaaahhhhh, aaaaahhhh, aaaaaaahhh
Of course, one of the major perks about talking to babies is that, no matter what you say, there’s no danger of it being repeated. They’ll just lie there, cooing, captivated by your wit and intelligence, unlike most of the other people in the universe.
In fact, this is a perfect opportunity to bring up some topics like, say, your theory on why you don’t think Elvis is really dead (babies love this), your suspicions about the Thigh Master, and your take on the current Seventies Retro Fashion situation. Also, while you’re at it, you can throw in your opinions on the neighbor’s car, your in-laws, and the dress Aunt Ruth wore to the family reunion last spring.
But there’s a downside, a danger lurking that you have to be aware of. One day that baby is a little older, and suddenly your child is going through a frightening stage where they blurt out all of the secrets that they’ve been quietly taking in over the years.
Nobody wants to be standing in line and have their child suddenly turn around and announce to everyone standing behind them that you live in a no good dump, your weight is roughly the same as five Komodo dragons, and that you always thought Grandma Farmer’s close-set eyes made her look sort of, well, shifty.
Ironically, at about the same time, children become quite accomplished conversationalists. Not because they become more articulate, but because they’ve figured out that by saying “why” they can keep just about any conversation going and going and going until it eventually goes back to The Creation of Everything in the Universe. If you don’t believe me, take the last conversation I had with my friend Barb’s three-year-old son.
Me: “Eat your carrots.”
Three-year-old: “Why?”
Me: “Because they are part of your dinner.”
Three-year-old: “Why?”
Me: “Because they’re good for you.”
Three-year-old: “Why?”
Me: “Carrots get nutrients from the soil.”
Three-year-old: “Why?”
Me: “It helps them grow.”
Three-year-old: “Why?”
Me: “That’s just how it works.”
Three-year-old: “Why?”
And on and on.
During one particularly intense discussion on snails we made it all the way back to The Creation of Everything in the Universe in three questions. A record.
But getting back to the issue of decent conversation.
The good news is that by the time your child starts school there will be plenty of things to talk about together: dioramas, appropriate items to bring for sharing day, and recess politics and all that.
But don’t be fooled by this. Just when you think you’re making real headway conversation-wise, they’ll become teenagers.
And then you’re right back where you started.
