For those of you who have only recently arrived on planet Earth,
you should be informed that the American economy is currently in
the commode, and thus the federal and California state budgets have
gaps between money in and money out that Evel Knievel couldn’t get
across on a rocket bike with a tailwind.
For those of you who have only recently arrived on planet Earth, you should be informed that the American economy is currently in the commode, and thus the federal and California state budgets have gaps between money in and money out that Evel Knievel couldn’t get across on a rocket bike with a tailwind. Georgie Dubya is busy throwing money away with both hands on the theory that reducing revenues is a good way to compensate for increased expenditures (these are professionals; don’t try this at home), while Gandolf the Gray Davis is wringing his hands over the woeful prospects for key state endeavors including, in fact especially including, public education.
He’s all too right, of course; schools are going to take a massive hit. So it’s up to us the public to find a middle ground between the stargazers who steadfastly believe education can be spared what’s happening to everyone else and the troglodytes who want to gloat over the situation because they have personal issues with public education and want to see it bleed. Let’s see – how do we make up a 3 billion dollar shortfall?
First off, let’s agree that bake sales are not the answer. If we try to eat up 3 billion dollars worth of chocolate chip cookies and banana cream pies we are going to create a public health crisis that will dwarf (literally) the schools deficit and could cast a shadow (again, literally) on California’s entire economy.
The first thing that occurs is the fundraising phenomenon that is currently sweeping the country, namely naming rights. Think of 3-Com Park (is there still a 3-Com Corp.?) or Pac Bell Park (Pacific Bell no longer exists) or Compaq Center (Compaq is also no more) or even Enron Field in Houston (ain’t no Enron). These oh-so-transient corporate bubbles contributed baskets of cash to have their egos writ large on the public consciousness, so why not schools? In fact, schools are an even better investment in low-rent megalomania than sports stadiums.
Why? Because as soon as you fall off the stock exchange ticker the owners of the stadium bearing your name promptly erase you from the facade and sell the rights to the next panting applicant, leaving you with no legacy commemorating the brief moment when your Arthur Anderson-manufactured star was in the ascendant.
But a school, well now, that’s a different kettle of monkeys. A school graduates people, people who go out into the world and make their mark for decades to come. So long after your investors have been evicted from their homes, long after your corporate assets have been sold for chump change on eBay, long after your CEO has fled to Costa Rica with his last 100 million, there will still be people spread around the landscape in all walks of life generating resumes that proudly declare “I attended Global Crossing High 2003-2005.” In today’s smoke-and-mirrors world this is a pretty good approximation of immortality, and should therefore be worth a considerable sum. I mean, Gilroy High, Live Oak High – where’s the money in that?
And if we can’t raise a lousy 3 billion selling the name of every California school to somebody or other, we can still make up the difference. We can sell tickets to class – preferred seating, which for most students is anywhere the teacher can’t see them, will cost a little more; the front row will be the cheap section. We can work out a price structure for hall passes, cafeteria seats, and textbook rentals.
Come on, people, these are desperate times. Bold creativity is required.
Robert Mitchell practices law in Morgan Hill. His column has appeared in The Dispatch for more than 20 years. It’s published every Tuesday.
